To be honest.

Over the past few weeks, i came about knowing certain things that really upset my heart :(

One after another, they surprised me.

I no longer was able to pretend that everything was fine, i avoided.

and then, i felt stupid.

Am i that bad a judge of character? Am i the one who's being ridiculous?

It was the whole L-drama all over again. I knew it, he knew it.

It hurt. And i begin to wonder if i was ever someone else's wrong horse.

Surely, i was. At one point of my life - i am only human.

..I'm truly sorry if i was a wrong horse you once bet on.

On a frivolous note; April was brilliantly amazing :) Well, at least the end of April was! It was a beautiful day (month) =) All the emotions, all the sorrows, all the hard work - it was well worth it. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful year in Starkville. Thank you for sending beautiful horses my way, Father.

I'll see you back home soon. :)

just 14 more days, Ma.

April 29th.

Every year, today, you remind me to thank Mom.

For the 24 hour labor she had to endure for me.

Today, 26 years after, i reminded myself.

Thank you Ma, for doing it for me.

I love the both of you so very much.

All my Love,

Your eldest.

Mom.

If my heart is hurting;

i cannot even begin to imagine yours.

If i am willing to go home soon just to see him again,

you probably wouldn't mind now.

If i find myself catching my breath,

I wonder how you even breathe.

You're the strongest woman I have ever had the privilege to love.

You have taught me so much i owe you more than i could ever offer.

If i miss him this much on this day,

your heart must be breaking.

I love you so much words can never truly express.

and i know with absolute certainty, so did he.

I cannot wait to spend time with you, so very soon.

♥ David's angel.

Burden lifted.

I woke up this morning thinking it was just going to be another regular day.

Never did i imagine this day would ever happen (in my lifetime), let alone it being today.

Such liberation, i felt today.

It was an amazing day :D Truly.

I thank God for sending marvelous people and placing them strategically around me.

For moms who would give me a timely well-deserved bout of scolding.

For precious ones who would say "I told you so" right to my face.

For wonderful colleagues who wouldn't let me make the same mistakes as they did.

Mississippi is indeed where i was placed for a purpose.

Yet another gloomy Friday.

"This may be the last Chinese New Year i'm celebrating at home for a long long time", I remember telling you.

Who would have thought it was also your last? Except yours lasts (earth time) forever.

I catch my breath each time i think back to a memory with you - i wonder what would be different if i knew what was to be in (insert months) time? I calculate how much time i had left from when that memory was formed. I hate myself for not knowing, but at the same time how could i have?

I woke up at 5AM this morning with part of the dream of you still fresh in my mind - :) :(

I jotted down notes on my phone, so it wouldn't fade away.

We were at this cottage house at some part of the world and it felt like we were in a movie itself - i didn't understand.

This part was vivid, you left a note on a mini piano musical box - it was clearly your cursive handwriting.

The note said;

For my girl,

When you find yourself in this house and reading this note - it means that someone has asked me for your hand in marriage.

I asked, why are you spoiling the surprise?

You answered, its okay.

(because i know how much i want you to be at my wedding walking me down the aisle)

I forgot to tell you how much i miss and love you.

This time, i knew.

I just wrote a two page narrating the dream of you. Yet, i'm still afraid its going to fade away any second.

This time, it was clearly you. I was sitting on your lap, all i did was hug you tight. I asked you questions, morbid ones as we both seemed to know. I knew you were going away again, just wasn't sure when. You looked at peace, and were still giving me your words of wisdom on death.

..I even asked you if you were excited to go home (i told you it was morbid). I asked if you could smile down on us from time to time, but it was a negatory - i wonder why, i'll find out for myself soon enough.

I couldn't remember if i said I Love You enough (or at all) while hugging you. I really wish i did. Even in my dreams, i was so afraid of the time you were going home ..again. It wasn't you this time, it was me. Waking up took you back home again.

It was Cia's 24th yesterday, and it felt like such a different day. Our first birthdays without you are coming up. Maybe that's what's making me all jittery.

I love you so much daddy.

Snowed in, :)

I don't hate you but i wish you didn't have to come by so often, Mondays.

I did what Calvin would do, build a (single) mini snowman army :D

It was such a beautiful sight to wake up to this morning!

You constantly amaze me.

Today, is the day i decide to learn to love You so much once again.

..Show me how to love like You have loved me.

And for the 29th time, Blessed Birthday favorite one ♥

I pray that you continue to grow into a man after God's own heart!

Remember, Psalm 55:22.

Cast your burden on the LORD,

and He shall sustain you;

He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

PS. When you find yourself listening to this over and over again, you know you're missing home more than quite abit!

A hole, too hard to fill.

I way more than love you,

it breaks my heart.

:'(

I'm going to have to learn to keep breathing with a hole in my heart.

White Christmas.

..*tip tap* i thought i heard snow falling in my sleep. Its Mississippi i am at right now, i remembered - i brushed that thought away and went back to zzzland.

6:30AM - Tiff's mom woke us up; "Its snowing" says she!

Best (and first) WHITE Christmas ever =) Waking up to snow falling from the Heavens Christmas morning was just picture perfect. Lovely. Stunning. Amazing.

It was a magical Christmas i had this year, with the Woodcocks - truly a wonderful family!

I didn't think i would have survived this Christmas, but i did very well i must say :)

I am actually very excited to hear all about your first Christmas in Heaven, papi. I am equally as curious about your "day to day" activities up there.

Wish we could trade stories ..like now would be fantastic?!

But i guess i'll wait, till we meet again in the Heavens.

..you'll always remain as my special favoritest man in my whole wide world, papi. Love you.

ps. as much as i truly enjoyed snow falling on Christmas morning, part of me wished i was home with the family. Love you all bunches, see you in 5 months :)

Glad tidings,

i bring to you.

Once again, we're at the magical month of December :)

In my strangely finite mind, December is closely placed alongside ..White snowy Christmas spent with family/closed ones while sipping peppermint hot chocolate (source: my tv addiction)

In reality, 'tis the season when i'll miss home the most.

They say, the first year is going to be the toughest.

..their first wedding anniversary, our first Christmas, our first new years, our first birthdays, his first birthday, his first anniversary, among many more first ..without him.

I've been pondering quite abit lately, :( I still can't quite comprehend this. I don't understand and i don't think i ever will. :'( How did that one month do so much more harm to my heart than my past 25 years did to me? How can you be there for my first 25 and not my next 25? ..How do you tell your heart its okay and everything is going to be fine?

PS. Its the thirteen once again.

Dearest papi,

I survived my first semester as a Graduate student. You'll be proud to know that i did exceedingly well :) One down and only nine more amazing semesters to go!

In my heart, you'll always be journeying alongside me.

Oh, how do i even begin with how much i miss and love you? :'(

Know that i am ever so proud of you.

All my love,

Laine

When i grow up,

I'm going to be an amazing surgeon.

but, i've recently began to realize that i'm not exactly heading down the appropriate path to achieve that dream.

So Cia, i choose to live vicariously through you.

I am constantly thankful for this awesome family He has provided me with.

I'm extremely proud to be part of this particular Tan clan, :)

Love each and every one of you so very much.

I dreamt of you.

It was only for a split second but i knew it was you.

You told me, take good care of yourself darling girl.

I replied, you know that i love you very much right?

You were waiting for me to go print something at my apartment

..and right before i turned away, you said I'll wait for you right here.

Death.

What does it truly mean?

Cause it doesn't quite mean the same to me than it does to the world.

I may not be back home right now, but i still feel your presence at home.

At the randomest moment, it hits me hard.

I'll say to myself; Wait a minute! Where is daddy now?

I have to mentally remind myself what it means. What death means.

I may not be able to see you physically ever again,

but you'll always live through me.

I constantly think of ways i'll be introducing my children to the amazing grandpa they didn't get the opportunity to love.

Please don't fade away, papi-memories. I plead with you. :'(

Day22.

I wanted a two bedroom apartment, so i'll have space when y'all come visit.

I made my bed up pretty, cause i knew you'd have the bed when you come visit.

I am saving to get a big car, so you'd have more leg room on our road trips.

I should have asked you all the questions i didn't know i wanted to ask.

These questions keep popping up in my mind.

How do i make them go away before they remind me you're no longer in the present? :(

I wish i had been more interested in learning how to cook.

I wish i had thanked you enough for everything you've done.

I wish i hadn't disappointed you as much as i did.

I wish i had told you how much i love you, more frequently.

and I certainly hope i did all i could, to be a good daughter.

On your birthday this year i told you;

Next year this time, we're going on a road trip!

It's going to be destination birthday from next year forth :)

Looks like you have gone ahead and reached your next destination. A final one, in fact.

I bet you're going to tell me - I've scored the coolest destination ever.

PS. It's that day, again. :'(

Fridays.

I used to adore them. What's not to love about Fridays, ey?

Now, they just remind me of the day i lost my favorite man on this earth.

I go about each day wondering what would his Word of the Wise be for today?

I ask myself, What would papi say about this? Would he be proud of what i was doing?

I was his eldest daughter, his personal psychologist, his fellow TV addict, among many other roles.

He was my earthly guardian, my hero, my source of advice, my father who would do just about anything for his family, and plenty more.

Ever since i flew approximately 10,000 miles away from home, i was afraid i would never have another opportunity to have an actual conversation with him anymore. :(

(Don't get me wrong, i did believe in healing. But unfortunately, i am mere human.)

He started pulling away from the world. He started talking less frequently. I bet even stopped watching TV.

I will always remember how tough it was for him to watch me fade away 2 years ago. Clearly, when one in the family is hurting - the rest naturally follow closely behind with the same burden of hurt.

It was (and still) is beyond painful, yet i have to be strong and brave. I need to be one less of a worry for mom. She didn't need to be worrying about me, she already had her hands full back home.

I miss him, so badly. I miss my father. Call me selfish, but i would like to have my father for longer than 25 years. Yet, I still thank God for providing me with an amazing family. I love you Mom, Cia and Beanie so much ♥.

PS. Now, what was the five steps of acceptance again? Sometimes i wonder if i'm barely past the first. denial.

I miss you.

You are amazing.

You are my hero, ♥

always was and always will be.

I love you, so very much.

I'll see you again soon, on the other side.

Thank you.

for fighting the battle.

and for holding on,

as long as you could.

I know He is saying to you, right now.

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"

(Matthew 25:21)

I'll see you on the other side.

I plead.

I feel like a fraud.

I hate to shortchange people of me,

yet deep down it hurts to pretend or conveniently forget the reality.

I need you to breathe for me,

please.

I plead for your life,

but i need you to fight as hard as you can.

I love you, so much.

The going gets tough.

I hear,
they say you need to get worst before you even begin to get better.

I wish,
the journey isn't that tough to fight.

I hope,
you persevere on no matter what.

I will be,
right behind you. always.
because you mean the world to me.

Fight a good fight,
Finish the race,
Keep the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

I truly believe.

and even my bones concur.

:)

Dear Lord,
I surrender him to You.

May Your strength and mercies,
renew at the every break of dawn.

Walk with him.
Dream with him.
Conquer with him.

In Your precious name,
Amen

This task before me may seem unclear,
But it, my maker holds.
Bebo Norman's The Hammer Holds