Don't you ever dare go anywhere.

in the spirit of Christmas ♥;
i share the joy of Calvin and Hobbes :)

i'm not sure if you've read this strip before, its about the baby raccoon Calvin found.

and what you get from it;
"don't you go anywhere" Calvin says.

(i'm sorry the strip is divided into nine sections, and it's may be a little tiny to read off this page. you'll probably have to click on each picture to read it. let's not strain the eyes, hey? so click. ;p)
but i'll do some succinct summation of each section, in case you just want to browse through and not wanting the trouble of clicking nine times! :)

they find a baby raccoon on the ground, barely surviving.
Calvin runs to get help from mom.
Hobbes: I sure hope she can help.
Calvin: Of course she can! You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right.

mom sits with Hobbes.
Mom: I hate it when these things happen. You can tell i'm upset when i start talking to you.

they placed baby raccoon in a shoe box.
Mom: I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe.

checking to see if baby raccoon is eating at all.
Calvin: Don't die, Little Raccoon. It wouldn't be very grateful of you to break my heart.
Hobbes: *sniff*

in bed, thinking of the raccoon.
Hobbes: I hope he lives.
Calvin: Me too.
Hobbes: I think animals are always so cute.

after finding out baby raccoon didn't survive the night.
Calvin: *sniff* i'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me.

at the burial ground.
Calvin: It's like i found him for no good reason. I had to say goodbye as soon as i said hello.
*sniff*
(and goes on to say) what a stupid world.

figuring out why the baby raccoon had to die.
Calvin: It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way i've got the heebie-jeebies.

finding out the cycle of life.
we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
Calvin: I guess that makes sense.. but don't you go anywhere.
Hobbes: Don't worry.
(hugs)

© Universal Press Syndicate

..just so you know; i'm walking away. for the sake of my sanity!

Trying not to show.

Trying real hard to think of something captivating to pen down; i stare at a blank page still. Write something interesting, a piece that would pique their attention; they offered advice.

And i wonder, how do i write something enchanting and yet doesn't sound like i'm trying too hard? It doesn't help that i think my life time achievements unfascinating, and boring. How do i turn something boring into an exciting page or two? (deep breaths)

I am aware. There is no room for doubts. All i need do, is do it. Yet, i prefer, dream it.
Nerves, i have no choice but to shake you away. Oh, and please go away will you, conscious intentional procrastination?

Trying to come up with (eight) unique pieces; and at the same time trying extremely hard not to reveal i'm severely straining my ability to write enchantingly.

Perhaps, i need to calm down and think. Write what is best for me, not try to impress. That totally gets me no where near completion of a piece.

I should go; thoughts to put together, pieces to form, sentences to create! Yayy?!

(can't wait for this to end, yet i'm denying to finish it) ahh, the paradox of me.

(Currently listening to: Officially missing you)

its safe to say, i'm officially missing you.
but this i have to, i'm walking away.

Cerebration; just when.

delta waves begin eluding me.
words fail to succinctly represent what's left.
sitting in the dark freaking out,
figuring why three times a charm?

you find comfort in solitude.
(if you do not even enjoy your own company to begin with; can you really blame others for not?)

Ahh, for such a day like this.

just a thought, :)

here's one for for the nerves. you'll be more than fine, i know so =)

Thoughts of a dreamer.

Even as a child; I imagine myself an older lady, seated by a lovely window pane facing the West. The beautiful rays streaming in. My dog slouched by the side, and is glowing with the perfect hue that is flowing through the room. I am reading a book, while sipping steaming tea. Pausing; as steam fog up my reading glass, i think back to the present.

Yes, i see my current life as past tense! With my imagination, i should have no problem persuading myself this is all make believe. But for a fact, i am living in a farm basking at my previous eventfully fulfilling life.

Perhaps, this is why i have a cottage by the farm dream i'd like to fulfill. Probably why, i am trying really hard for my life to mean something, something worth basking in.

You're probably thinking, she's such a freak by now huh?

Fun fact.
I love lists. to do lists. I have plenty. They come in different forms; physically tangible (read: post its), electronically written, but mostly mentally noted. There is even a list that reads; churn out a to do list soonish.

Here's one;
(the shorter version)

Start a book club! :)
(we'll read Austen, Picoult and the occasional Ahern)

Appreciate fermented grapes.
Learn everything there is to know about wine, ;) a wine cellar at the basement of my new home! Now, how lovely does that sound?

The American dream. I have dreams, plenty of them! Some, should be left where it belongs. as a dream.

Am experiencing slight Cognitive dissonance at the moment; please pardon my incoherent thoughts. Shall return when they are sorted out.

i wonder what goes on in that head of yours.

The things i do;

(or would do)
for you ♥.

I'd go that extra mile just so i can catch a glimpse of you; even if its only for a split second. I do hope i'm as subtle as i think i am. :)

I'd probably agree to any favors you ask of me. Once upon a time, i was quite willing to let go of that dream i held so dearly. Successfully justifying my need to compartmentalized them into the it's just a dream segment; convinced myself it was just wishful thinking. I thought it wishful thinking, what was i even thinking?
(that's still a part of me, that needs working on. the wishful thinking part! Perhaps i really do have self-esteem issues. :S)

I'd mess up my circadian rhythm for you; and rely purely on the antioxidants of my freshly brewed green tea in the attempt to keep the lids open, just cause i felt the butterflies. I catch myself asking; Was it all worth it though?
"Not if you end up broken hearted, it is not." whispers a voice.
Nay, i didn't mean that at all! :) I know i have a Healer by my side, He'll take care of the broken hearted.
(point to note: i am not condoning the act of; go out and get my heart broken just cause i have healer by my side. Guard that precious gift from Him with your life, i'd say.)

The things i do even for my dearest puppies :)
i picked up canine poo; even hid the evidence of Russell's first kill.
just because i love them much ♥.

Make me fall in love with you, i just may lose myself again. Nay, that was just a thought. I should know better, hmm. do i really? we'll see about that ;)

Word of the wise; never say "i know how you feel" cause you don't! News flash people; you never will know how i feel. You only think you know, perhaps maybe understand a fragment of. Know that; a fragment, doesn't measure up at all.
I'm comfortable with silence, very much so. An encouraging nod, a genuine smile, a sincere hug goes a better way. *nods* Seriously, zip it before you wish you could force those words back into your mouth.

Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows its own bitterness,
and a stranger does not share its joy.

A final thought;
Hurry along. Go utter those magical words to those you care about.
Life is so much so a fleeting breath.
To you, whom i care so much about. 我爱你。
I am rendered speechless, overwhelmed by the one too many (sudden) deaths around me.
.. and i wonder, if i were to breathe my last. Would anyone miss my existence? Would my life reflect my Father's life? Would i bring glory to my Father? Will my dash be a significant one?

..don't you dare die on me. please don't, i plead with you. promise you'll take great care? loveyu!

Ahh, i am only human.

I'd say first impressions are almost as important as being impressively talented. Take notice the next time you meet someone new; we're actually real quick at deciding if we're going to put the extra effort to cultivate some form of relationship with this potential new friend we just met. As for me; i do decide if i'm going to be friends with a certain someone within minutes of our first interaction.

(Having said that, i must admit i have not been doing well with this judgement scheme, haha! *am not even improving. I should probably device a better judgement procedure.)

Ha! By using the word judgement; i just successfully made myself sound like an arrogant selfish judgmental bimbo, ehh?

Point to note; i am talking about first impression judgments, as it has nothing to do with later parts of my friendships (honest) Hmm, so maybe judgement isn't really a good choice of word here huh? I can see too much negative connotation lingering around already, heh.

A (very close) friend once told me, Psychology majors may very well be the most judgmental group of people around. I have to agree, that could be very true.

*disclaimer: it is pretty true for me; this statement is essential as i was taught not to generalized such conclusions. I wouldn't want to be committing a Type I error now, would i? *the horror*

One of the things i do occasionally; count the number of closer friends i have. Friends counting. Call me mou liu if you wish, i really do count my closer friends. Haha! :D I'm not suggesting you should follow suit; but if you so happen to find yourself friends counting. How about a little recounting exercise? Try this; think, of how many of these closer friends, had you once gave a note to self saying "Nahh, not a chance! not in a million years i'll ever be close friends with her!" or "We're so different, we're so not going to have anything to talk about!" or the likes? Funny story (also true, haha); you'll soon realize, somehow after some interesting twist of events, they ended up being one of your best buds :)

(also, it really works both ways :p you know; a guy impresses you, and you think to self - wow, we're really going to get along. and he goes on to *burst the hope* yet, another lapse in judgement. such is life people. suck it up. :p)

(I should probably defend them as well) In their defense, i was/am/going to be someone else's lapse of judgement *wink* I know sometimes, i may just decide to be slightly mean or indifferent. That could probably result in someone else thinking i was a mistake. So see, i could turn out to be one of them for certain people. Statistically, very possible. :)

*hey, at least i'm honest eh? and i'm pretty sure there are people who dislike me in some parts of the world. :p Haha!

(and i wonder if i'm still making sense here)

I know we do need these heuristics to help us along daily life; perhaps maybe we shouldn't be relying too much on first impressions, you think? (if thats possible :p). It is amazing how a single piece of information (it could even be something totally trivial or emotionally based) is perfectly capable of corrupting your inclination towards someone or sometimes even of an inanimate object. I don't know about you, but i speak for myself. Hmm, perhaps i am very judgmental eh? Definitely not a personality trait you'll like to be associated with.

Ahh, i am only human. I only get to tap on my Father's righteousness and holiness. In fact, that should suffice. Remind me Father.

we were always meant to say goodbye. already gone, i am. really.

I wish you love ♥

(i was referring to the song) As i am currently listening to the Michael Bublé version all the days of my (present moment that is.) life! I'm pretty sure i picked up the overly emotive (more commonly known as; emo) habit from a certain someone (it was bound to happen! for it is innate to learn vicariously, is it not? external locus of control. clever. deny all blame after being infected by the emo bug. nevermind my susceptibility to be influenced by you :p). Hmm. I wouldn't say it's an attractive habit to be associated with, but what can i say? Some habits are die hard (they say); ergo i'll probably need to live with it for awhile longer
*hey, i'm not complaining! Till the people around me starts; i guess i'm fine :)

I wish you love ♥ (Michael Bublé)
I wish you bluebirds in the Spring
To give your heart a song to sing
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
And most of all
When snowflakes fall
I wish you love
(i would upload the song along with the entry but mp3s are not an accepted format yet. and i am not that tech savvy to make it pretend as a video! ahh, i could add it into my playlist. am i attempting to pass along the emo bug now? hmm. tag. you're it.)

This is such an emo song lahh! Clearly, it didn't stop me for being so in love with it. Everything about it is so pretty! It is; soothingly melodious with sincerely beautiful words complimented with Michael Bublé amazing vocal talent, makes it all even better :) Ahh, let's not forget the emoish feeling that tags along with it. (it is a rather sad song, i mean. the lyrics)
*its just the kind of song i accept as lovely music, if you know what i mean.

(shall go drown myself to sleep in this song tonight!)
i wish you love. sincerely, i wish you well =)

When i hug you;

(please refrain from completing the When i hug you statement with the following paragraph, haha! Had to add this disclaimer because it just doesn't sound right when you put them both. LOL! Nope, i have not gone bad yet!)
Food poisoning happened *sigh* The (current; papi, mami and i) entire family was inflicted by this vile nasty viral. Bound to a horizontal position for two whole days; i even forgot how to fight off standing up feeling dizzy! Haha. Akhirnya, i didn't get to go visit Beanie Thursday or make it to Seremban for the highly anticipated Fabulous girlfriends weekend getaway :(
*but, all is well now. Thank God! :)

Cia came back Friday during lunch time; papi had a meeting so the both of us waited for him at a coffee place. There were some (attempted) studying going on, ;p In the midst of Root Beer float, Xi Mut milk tea, plenty of literature material scattered across the table, and pencils stolen from the next table; Cia presented me with five methods of expressing love to a fellow human being.
touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of services.
She wanted me to rank them, as i saw fit (in my world!)

Here's what i thought;
Touch (more like, Hugs :D)
(if there was a Saying I Love You, it would have shared the first spot-honor with touch (hugs) :p)
Quality Time (i love one to one catch ups with those special certain ones!)
Words of Affirmation
Gifts
Acts of Services
(If you're reading this entry, and have a couple minutes at hand. Share with me how would your list look like :))

Cia knew which was my first choice right from the beginning :) *who wouldn't? haha! If you know me well, you'll know i'm very fond of hugs, :D
(point of clarification: i do not go around hugging just about anyone! i have certain people i love giving hugs to :))

(now you may; compliment the When i hug you statement with what comes after :p)
.. i am physically saying i love you :)

On a frivolous note;
Of Olive, Russell, Bacon; and Mummy (Princess!) :)) Please don't get stolen (again).

I am convinced. The number six neighbor stole Russell and Bacon. They did; i know they did. No wonder Princess led me to them. They were even (hushhush) whispering when i walked by their house. Our suspicion were substantiated when (hours later) Russell and Bacon came back from that direction. Haha! Okay, i have to admit i was being a little dramatic here. :)

Tapi, i really thought i lost them :'( Seriously. How could those ruthless neighbors steal them away? Olive was so mellowed down without his brothers!
(Olive now sleeps in the porch :D He's the favorite, and he knows it!)
They make me very happy :)) Their way of showing affection is by jumping at my leg while trying to scrape/bite my skin off (x three). Haha.
(the unemployed has got to find some companion rite? heh.)

up and beyond; with you :)

I am losing it;

the ability to fall asleep in an instant.

i reasoned that it maybe due to the fact i have been under utilizing energy lately; hence i do not need much sleep. Am not matriculating myself enough to require much REM, perhaps? Or i could just be losing it :(

Since sleep is eluding me (right this moment), i decided to talk to myself here. Considering most people (those who would actually talk to me, haha!) left for dreamland or is otherwise engaged to be bothered with my nonsensical drama. :(

I just thought it'll be interesting (self interest here, as it'll be totally useless information to others, Lol. :D) for me to list down the little things i enjoy in life! *well, at least ones i can think of right now :)

I LOVE;

semi colons; aren't they just pretty and mysterious? its like i'm almost done making a statement, but am not quite at the punchline yet :)

hugs; i picked up the habit later than i would have wanted to, but mastered it while in Bemidji! xx.

Calvin and Hobbes; and i still wish they manufacture life-size Hobbes! Hmm, i take that back. Any size would do (desperate situation calls for desperate transformation of wishes, haha!) I'd buy a dozen (at least :p). When i get my dog, i might name it Hobbes (although Hobbes is a modeled after feline, Lol.).
*I like being reminded of this adorable duo ;) Not many things can beat the brilliance of Calvin and Hobbes! *hugee grin here* :D

dogs; (okay, i know huge dogs do not necessarily fall under the categorization of little things , :p) Did i mentioned that i saved a little puppy from the drain just the other day? *happiness* he was soo pretty =)
*i found out the mum and his other two siblings now live across the street from me; i'm going to go buy them some food :p Mami says i can't even afford to feed myself, and now dogs? Haha.

even Cia thinks he's adorable :)
i think i'm going to call it baby Russell.

tea; milk tea to be exact :) i doubt i'll ever get tired of drinking 珍珠奶茶, haha! If milk tea isn't available, any form of tea works as well!

cherry tomatoes; what more can i say? Who doesn't love to munch on juicy and crunchy cherry tomatoes on a lazy afternoon? =)

the idea of a farmland; a little cottage house (a comfortable chair by the window facing the west.), a pretty garden with bright colorful flowers, an oak tree, a huge dog, and of course at least one cow. All these by the countryside in Italy. Lovely :)

happy, shiny and bright smiles (of people and colors) =) Smiles are pretty contagious! Keep smiling, for it'll go a mile :)

a beautiful mind (brain); i am in awe every time i am reminded of how meticulous and thoughtful He was while wiring us up. Its brilliantly amazing! :)
*right, this isn't particularly a little thing either, haha.

These are all the little things (some way bigger than little :p) i can think of right now without getting off topic too often, Lol! Well, at least i still am prone to being random (although being random is hardly consider a skill, haha :p)

you, i don't know? perhaps, i do. :)

If only; and a new 단짝친구 :)

If only does not make any sense, in my world. It reeks of regret, uncertainty, and is clearly hypothetical.

Some go on and on about how, If only something had happened, they would be able to do this great and best thing they had in mind. If only is just make believe. :)

In the world of Research Methods; If only can be in the likes of a Reactive Measure, where the very act of measuring that variable changes the variable itself. Reason being, each time If only is used in a statement, it is (almost) always said with knowledge of what has already happened (which coincides with If only not! if you get my drift, :p !). How then, is it fair to say you would have done a certain action if whatever has happened didn't happen? Do you really think, in all certainty you would have done otherwise? Seriously, do you really?

I could go on, but i probably shouldn't. In fact, i probably shouldn't further confuse any readers i may have :) with my explanation as to why If only does not exist in my world. Sleep deprivation happened, mind isn't at its best this evening ;) Maybe later!

edited at a later time. the (maybe later) addition. Haha! i don't give up, do i? ;p

Have you ever heard a male (no gender bias intended here ;p) say "If i was a girl, i already have in mind a couple of items i would buy" or the likes?" I told him, you think? For if he really was a girl, he would not be influenced by all the years of his guyish firing of neurons (which was what led to his statement of "if i was a girl"). If you were a girl, everything will be different. More than you can imagine :)

*think, a chain reaction. Each time my path crosses with another amazing child of God on this earthly journey, i truly thank the Father for all the decisions we both had to make to reach this (meeting each other) juncture. :) It is always exciting to know, we have a Beyond Awesome Father in common eh?

Ergo, my position on If only, stands as it does not (really) exists.

Having said all these, i still like the song "If i were a boy", love the music video even more. Hah. *and she goes on to negate her firm stand on the existence of If only.

end of (maybe later) addition.

***
On a more frivolous note :) I have a new best friend! She's the most adorable 8 year old MK, who's now my 단짝친구 (dan jjak ching gu; best friend in Korean). The Moon family shifted to Malaysia (Penang, to be exact) last December. Without knowing much English, they still made their way to this foreign-Malay-speaking-Malaysia. It clearly shows they came with the Father. :) *i must make my way to Penang to visit them.

I first met them at the Vietnamese gathering Saturday, hence making it more like a Vietnamese-Korean meeting. :) It just gave me the most heart warming feeling! When Christine shared how she came to know Christ, and later when David (who looks like Bae Yong-joon, seriously) sang a Korean worship song. Then, the Vietnamese joined in. Singing together in their own language, praising the one Father we all share. *awwww :)

Dr Henry brought with him Dr Huang, a master in martial arts who used his skills and knowledge along with prayer and discernment from the Father to heal the sick. *a hint of his skill; it involves needles and then some twisting. Haha. (sorry, it sounded so sadistic to be laughing eh? ;p) Dr Huang said i have a healthy and strong heartbeat, and i didn't require treatment :) Woohoo. Must be the tennis and my recent healthy activities!

This morning my 단짝친구 gave me an ultimatum, either i go back with her to Penang now or never. "I'm not going to let you in my house", says she. Each time i tried to convince her i would go see her soonish. She said, Nooo! you are coming back to Penang with me today! She tells me the most adorable things, she is (too) smart for her age. She kindda reminds me of Calvin :) (of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes :p)

Here's to emphasize my claim on her smartness :)
She told papi, if i were to go back to Penang with her, "You could have auntie all to yourself" LOL. *doesn't she sound Calvinish? :p

introducing my 단짝친구 Gracie :)
as much as kids zap all your energy, i miss her already :(

"For your height, you could be eleven!" says she.
a child's honesty is most refreshing. :)

The lovely MKs; Gracie and Ju-an :)

PS. MK stands for Missionary Kid :)

..there is a reason why, Teardrops on my guitar is bending my hair cells so often lately. hmm.

Of lemons and banality.

You know what they always say;
When life throws a lemon at you, make lemonade

I'd say;
Just maybe, lemons are what you need at the present moment. Sour moments are there for a reason, we shouldn't always go trying hard turning these moments into sweet sweet ones. And you know those lemons will keep coming along. Ergo, just take the lemon, and suck it up for a bit. It'll pass, eventually. If you can't stop it from coming your way, might as well embrace it eh?

They also say;
When things do not go your way, take comfort in knowing that it could have been worst.

I'd say;
Think about this for a second. Do we really think when we land ourselves in a pile of shit (pardon my language here.), we'll take comfort in knowing that we could be in a worst pile of shit? Exactly, how is that going to make you feel better? And exactly how worst can a pile of shit be?

Can you also say in all certainty you'll feel less horrible if you had some bird droppings on your shirt (representing a less dramatic event) as opposed to finding yourself surrounded by droppings? I bet, you'll feel equally horrible and mad even. Cause we just don't go around pausing and wonder how horrible should i feel in this situation from a scale of 1 to 10. (10 being extremely horrible). Seriously, i honestly do not think we're that rational a being.

So No, do not take comfort in knowing that things may turn out worst. Take comfort in knowing there is Someone who cares enough to not want you losing your way in the jungle. As banal as my next statement is going to be, i personally believe it to be meaningful. And you may not agree with me much on this yet, but eventually you will; I know you will. Trust me on this.

Here goes, the oh-so-true trite we all know by head and yet brush it aside.
Every single everything happens for His reason.
(well, i kindda did amend that statement a little, but i prefer this version much better ;p)

Take comfort in that instead. For it is all that matters.

just as CS Lewis said;
There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done', and those whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done."

The Awesome One who created that; Cares so much we cannot even begin to imagine.

On an entirely different note here;
..you are everything i think of right now. i need you out, please. :(