I am losing it;

the ability to fall asleep in an instant.

i reasoned that it maybe due to the fact i have been under utilizing energy lately; hence i do not need much sleep. Am not matriculating myself enough to require much REM, perhaps? Or i could just be losing it :(

Since sleep is eluding me (right this moment), i decided to talk to myself here. Considering most people (those who would actually talk to me, haha!) left for dreamland or is otherwise engaged to be bothered with my nonsensical drama. :(

I just thought it'll be interesting (self interest here, as it'll be totally useless information to others, Lol. :D) for me to list down the little things i enjoy in life! *well, at least ones i can think of right now :)

I LOVE;

semi colons; aren't they just pretty and mysterious? its like i'm almost done making a statement, but am not quite at the punchline yet :)

hugs; i picked up the habit later than i would have wanted to, but mastered it while in Bemidji! xx.

Calvin and Hobbes; and i still wish they manufacture life-size Hobbes! Hmm, i take that back. Any size would do (desperate situation calls for desperate transformation of wishes, haha!) I'd buy a dozen (at least :p). When i get my dog, i might name it Hobbes (although Hobbes is a modeled after feline, Lol.).
*I like being reminded of this adorable duo ;) Not many things can beat the brilliance of Calvin and Hobbes! *hugee grin here* :D

dogs; (okay, i know huge dogs do not necessarily fall under the categorization of little things , :p) Did i mentioned that i saved a little puppy from the drain just the other day? *happiness* he was soo pretty =)
*i found out the mum and his other two siblings now live across the street from me; i'm going to go buy them some food :p Mami says i can't even afford to feed myself, and now dogs? Haha.

even Cia thinks he's adorable :)
i think i'm going to call it baby Russell.

tea; milk tea to be exact :) i doubt i'll ever get tired of drinking 珍珠奶茶, haha! If milk tea isn't available, any form of tea works as well!

cherry tomatoes; what more can i say? Who doesn't love to munch on juicy and crunchy cherry tomatoes on a lazy afternoon? =)

the idea of a farmland; a little cottage house (a comfortable chair by the window facing the west.), a pretty garden with bright colorful flowers, an oak tree, a huge dog, and of course at least one cow. All these by the countryside in Italy. Lovely :)

happy, shiny and bright smiles (of people and colors) =) Smiles are pretty contagious! Keep smiling, for it'll go a mile :)

a beautiful mind (brain); i am in awe every time i am reminded of how meticulous and thoughtful He was while wiring us up. Its brilliantly amazing! :)
*right, this isn't particularly a little thing either, haha.

These are all the little things (some way bigger than little :p) i can think of right now without getting off topic too often, Lol! Well, at least i still am prone to being random (although being random is hardly consider a skill, haha :p)

you, i don't know? perhaps, i do. :)

Let the recounting journey begin :)

I had a spot at the lobby of 華連堂 (Hua Lien Tong, Chinese University Hong Kong); it was approximately three feet (3 floor tiles or so, haha!) in front of the second window pane. I'll be at par with the air condition if i identified my spot right. :D That's exactly where i stole (borrowed sounds better, heh?) wireless connection (almost) every night around 10+PM. I'll log onto Facebook (can you blame the addict? :p) and MSN (for certain individuals!), for some virtual human interactions :)
*Occasionally i'll have a couple fellow wireless stealer sitting by me! The occasional company is always nice, as i do look kindda weird sitting at that particular spot alone. Hehe. :)
A fellow-wireless-stealer told me one night, "Of course you love it here; you've been in Hong Kong one fifth of this year already! :)". He was right! and i am loving it more each day *huge grin*. In fact, Hong Kong has since been promoted as one of my favorite places in the world :)

香港 Hong Kong; an extremely fast pace culture and is very capable of inducing stress onto the slackers (namely, ME!). Perhaps, i had been loafing around too much that's why. I have a dream; to set up sleep laboratories for the Hong Kongers. They really do need sleep. I wonder if they'll pay to sleep 8 hours while allowing me to monitor their circadian rhythms? :) You should see the tuition/extra classes hype in Hong Kong. Its absurd (no offense :p). But seriously, the cheapest package will have you watching a video of your teacher for a tuition class. Does that even count? So maybe, just maybe they will pay to sleep at my sleep laboratory? You think? :)

I couldn't help but wonder if i was that un-Malaysian while i was there. It was pretty nerve wreaking when i had to present our country report, haha. (confession: i do not know much about my tanah air. *not-that-proud* but that went well, thank God :p). Normally, when someone asked where i was from; Malaysia will not be their initial guess. Apparently i didn't have the Malaysian accent, nor do i look Chinesey. *thats not new eh? Haha. Hmm, did i mention that i was even thought to be a Malaysian native, (*ahem* orang asli? me? LOL!) after i introduced myself as a Malaysian. Then, some referred to me as a Malay, haha! I had to inform them i was actually of (pure) Chinese origin. Getting (much) darker with the help of their summer didn't help with my identity crisis, :) I was told i could represent Malaysia; the Integrated race. Perhaps i could? Maybe then, i'll feel more Malaysianish?
*They always speak to me in English :( We'll be out in a group and (almost) always, they'll converse in Cantonese to people around me! (come my turn) *i smile* *there's a pause*, they switch to English! :((
They; could be anyone. From the 珍珠奶茶 shop attendant to Balou's walker.
I'd say; "其實，我懂講廣東話。" :) Haha.
(kei sat, ngo sek gong gong dong wa)

Visual aid;
To illustrate how dark i was, which led to me being mistaken for a native of Malaysia. :)

PS. I can love Hong Kong as a separate entity, who says i need to first love KL to survive Hong Kong in a long run? What was said later on; that was a very hurtful implication. :( it's not fair. *i can almost hear papi's voice telling me, the world is never fair. I think he's right.

..Cinta ini Membunuhku. Bagaimana, caranya untuk, Meruntuhkan, kerasnya hati mu. Ku sedari, ku tak sempurna, Ku tak seperti yang kau inginkan.

When a question is worth a dime; quit asking.

If i'd get a dime each time someone direct a "are you working yet?" or "what are your plans now?" and the likes at me. May i suggest to leave the poor girl alone to her unsorted thoughts? I'm sure, she'd appreciate it much. :) I know you mean well, but mostly it doesn't help her when she hasn't even been able to sort out her thoughts, let alone her plans for the future. She just came back from an amazing 18 day journey; the experience hasn't even fully dissolved yet! She's still suffering withdrawal symptoms from after Hong Kong, mind you :(

These things, they take time. You don't come up with a full blue print of your life over night, do you? I guess, i can't blame you. You mean well. Yet, i mean for you to quit asking.

It took her a pastor miles away to remind her; it doesn't mean intending to do her post graduate studies in Psychology (*and not Theology) shows she loves the world more than her Father.

"If God can impress upon the heart of a child to take up Theological studies, why can't he impress upon your heart to continue on with Psychology?" Says he.

In all honesty, that statement have never been clearer to me before. It was like an epiphany, dawned on me the night before we were scheduled to return. There was a period not too long ago where i'll pray that the Father take away the desire to study (i still do it occasionally, whenever i literally can't think or do anything but sigh!) :( don't ask me why i did that then; i'll probably give you a socially desirable answer. Perhaps, the truth is - i am afraid. Possible rejections, the thought of treading down the wrong path *again, hypothetical make believe future, all those dreadful (fake) If Onlys. It is not always great to have a mind capable of fantabulous imaginations. Mine's pretty amazing at ekam eveileb as well (think, Cecilia Ahern's If Only You Were Here) Seriously. Not fun at all. :(

I am very hard on myself, i know it exceedingly well. I drill myself with tons of questions, demanding plenty more than an answer. Where was the girl who wanted to take up Theology after her Bachelors? silence. How do you deal with such a big change of focus? still can't get past this. Are you not willing to let go? i'll get back to you. Are you holding on tighter than you ought to? still no answer.

I might be able to pinpoint a certain contributing factor. Loyalty. I believe i'm a rather loyal individual (or so i've been told ;p). Here's an unrelated (but it serves its purpose ;p) example. When you are upgraded to being one of my favorite author; i'll read every single book you wrote, chronologically never mind the different characters or story line! Haha. :p *lets not go into serious matter, i am ashamed of what i could talk myself into compromising.

When presented with an option, a possibility. Perhaps, this could be it *excitement*. How do you feel about it? i ask myself. This time's different. I'll hear myself say; but I've heard that phrase one too many times, to know better. I know, clinging on to hope isn't such a bad idea. Even if its only a glimmer of hope. If that's the only thing you've got left. Cling on to it.

Still, I ask for more. I ask to feel it in my bones.

*Pardon my incongruent thoughts today. I am in the midst of sorting them out :)

In regards to what's my future plans; You'll know when i know. Trust me, you need to let it go already. quit asking.

i adore you.. by the way (Grey, 2008)

If only; and a new 단짝친구 :)

If only does not make any sense, in my world. It reeks of regret, uncertainty, and is clearly hypothetical.

Some go on and on about how, If only something had happened, they would be able to do this great and best thing they had in mind. If only is just make believe. :)

In the world of Research Methods; If only can be in the likes of a Reactive Measure, where the very act of measuring that variable changes the variable itself. Reason being, each time If only is used in a statement, it is (almost) always said with knowledge of what has already happened (which coincides with If only not! if you get my drift, :p !). How then, is it fair to say you would have done a certain action if whatever has happened didn't happen? Do you really think, in all certainty you would have done otherwise? Seriously, do you really?

I could go on, but i probably shouldn't. In fact, i probably shouldn't further confuse any readers i may have :) with my explanation as to why If only does not exist in my world. Sleep deprivation happened, mind isn't at its best this evening ;) Maybe later!

edited at a later time. the (maybe later) addition. Haha! i don't give up, do i? ;p

Have you ever heard a male (no gender bias intended here ;p) say "If i was a girl, i already have in mind a couple of items i would buy" or the likes?" I told him, you think? For if he really was a girl, he would not be influenced by all the years of his guyish firing of neurons (which was what led to his statement of "if i was a girl"). If you were a girl, everything will be different. More than you can imagine :)

*think, a chain reaction. Each time my path crosses with another amazing child of God on this earthly journey, i truly thank the Father for all the decisions we both had to make to reach this (meeting each other) juncture. :) It is always exciting to know, we have a Beyond Awesome Father in common eh?

Ergo, my position on If only, stands as it does not (really) exists.

Having said all these, i still like the song "If i were a boy", love the music video even more. Hah. *and she goes on to negate her firm stand on the existence of If only.

end of (maybe later) addition.

***
On a more frivolous note :) I have a new best friend! She's the most adorable 8 year old MK, who's now my 단짝친구 (dan jjak ching gu; best friend in Korean). The Moon family shifted to Malaysia (Penang, to be exact) last December. Without knowing much English, they still made their way to this foreign-Malay-speaking-Malaysia. It clearly shows they came with the Father. :) *i must make my way to Penang to visit them.

I first met them at the Vietnamese gathering Saturday, hence making it more like a Vietnamese-Korean meeting. :) It just gave me the most heart warming feeling! When Christine shared how she came to know Christ, and later when David (who looks like Bae Yong-joon, seriously) sang a Korean worship song. Then, the Vietnamese joined in. Singing together in their own language, praising the one Father we all share. *awwww :)

Dr Henry brought with him Dr Huang, a master in martial arts who used his skills and knowledge along with prayer and discernment from the Father to heal the sick. *a hint of his skill; it involves needles and then some twisting. Haha. (sorry, it sounded so sadistic to be laughing eh? ;p) Dr Huang said i have a healthy and strong heartbeat, and i didn't require treatment :) Woohoo. Must be the tennis and my recent healthy activities!

This morning my 단짝친구 gave me an ultimatum, either i go back with her to Penang now or never. "I'm not going to let you in my house", says she. Each time i tried to convince her i would go see her soonish. She said, Nooo! you are coming back to Penang with me today! She tells me the most adorable things, she is (too) smart for her age. She kindda reminds me of Calvin :) (of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes :p)

Here's to emphasize my claim on her smartness :)
She told papi, if i were to go back to Penang with her, "You could have auntie all to yourself" LOL. *doesn't she sound Calvinish? :p

introducing my 단짝친구 Gracie :)
as much as kids zap all your energy, i miss her already :(

"For your height, you could be eleven!" says she.
a child's honesty is most refreshing. :)

The lovely MKs; Gracie and Ju-an :)

PS. MK stands for Missionary Kid :)

..there is a reason why, Teardrops on my guitar is bending my hair cells so often lately. hmm.

A marvelous experience, indeed!

My 18 days spent in Hong Kong/Macao was amazing (don't get me wrong, they were not all happy and exhilarating days! Trust me, i had my fair share of overwhelming emotions). Name an emotion, i've probably experienced it in that 18 days. Ask mami, and she'll tell you how many times i've called home saying i wanted to go home!

With already a few days of sleep deprivation, Brian and i headed toward Hong Kong for the Youth Leaders Regional Assembly. I knew i gave myself too much pressure when i started becoming cranky every other second. Poor Brian had to experience the crankiness of Elaine extremely early in our friendship! Haha. The frustration that caught up to me was overwhelming. Which of course led to arguments :( Then, negativity steps in! I even wondered why did i put myself up for this? *so much for the grin wider than ear to ear eh? Yes, negativity hit me real bad. I was too hard on myself (aren't i always?). Eventually, all was well =)

Hmm, why do i always feel like going home in the begining of any camp? Haha. Same feeling dawned on me the very first day of our own Youth Fellowship camp! *perhaps, i can explain my behavior then, i felt extremely older at camp, seriously! :D

Alrighty, so back to Hong Kong! It wasn't all negativity i felt, but i was just trying to portray how an amazing experience could very well involve not-so-positive feelings. It all comes in a package eh? :)

I do not really know how to begin narrating my 18 amazing days in Hong Kong/Macao; i wouldn't want to bore you with a day by day narrative ;) Perhaps i'll just mention what's worth mentioning? (then again, everything is worth mentioning for it involves my Father :p) We'll see how i manage this! Haha. Let my recounting journey begin :)

On days when i felt like an anti social, i'd voluntarily plunged myself into a dinner table full of Hong Kongnese and begin my talking adventure :) *I constantly amaze myself, for my Father constantly reminds! While on nights when i felt garrulous; armed with MacB and a bag of chips, i'll march up to level 2! But, just before i made myself known, i'll sneak back down and join in a smaller gathering :) I wouldn't say one or the other days were better ones, as they produce very different effects on me! I'm glad for both kinds, in fact.

Ahh, maybe i should document my Facebook statuses :) For its spills of my beyond serious partiality for the lovely Hong Kong! Lol.

July 13th (Day 1) the first day in Hong Kong.
Elaine Tan is anticipating His awesomeness ;) Let the journey begin! *über anxious-excited =)

July 20th (Day 8) the day i left for Macao.
Elaine Tan loves Hong Kong muchness; except she's moving on to Macao tomorrow PM! ;) And now, is eager for His awesomeness in Macao. Wheeeee =)

July 27th (Day 15) the day i left Macao for Hong Kong again.
Elaine Tan; The (Hong Kong.nese) daughter! Her partiality towards Hong Kong still stands ;)

August 2nd (Day 3, back home)
Elaine Tan; If Hong Kong was a chemical, what i'm going through shall be known as withdrawal symptoms! Perhaps, what i need is another dose of Hong Kong? I miss that place and its people muchness :(

The lovely city that never fails to elate me :) A city that never sleeps, overflowing with seizure inducing flashy lights, huge pretty dogs strolling downtown, delicious 鱼圆 and the tasty 炒麵 :) I can't really think of anything i dislike about that city, except maybe for the hideous looking HK10 dollar note (reason being; it just doesn't match with the other bank notes! Why wasn't aesthetics taken into consideration lah?) and the lack of chili that actually taste like chili. :) I guess, i can live with the HK10 dollar note eh? *as if its a life and death issue, heh. As for the chili matter, maybe i'll bring along some chili seeds next time :p

Call me bias, i do not deny that fact! For i really do love Hong Kong =) With the amazingly wonderful people i met over there; ones i know i'll treasure for a long long time, what's there not to love about Hong Kong? How delightful :)

Feel better soon.