Smile, you are so pretty.

It has definitely been a hectic start of the year for me! With January almost up, i still feel as if i should begin working up my Christmas spirit. How far behind am i keeping myself at? :(
And being anxious isn't helping, at all. I have accepted the fact, i now need self-convincing to wake up and face a new day (almost every single day).
Last year's today wasn't a very pleasant one, i still recall vividly :( I wouldn't want that unpleasantness to revisit me, yet i can't help but wonder if it will only come by later :(

When the spirits are down, expect to receive a lift me up from the Father :) He does that. He is really awesome with little surprises =))
(when you're so busy wallowing, who would be on the look out for those lift me up, hey? :p Hence, making the surprise even better :D)

Smiles are contagious, always. Laughter brightens the spirit. Which is why, i adore having shiny smiley happy little beings around me :) They have the most heartwarming smile to offer, and the most sincere laughter to boot =)

LJH, lights up my day :) I thank God for giving him that amazing smile, that infectious laughter, and a willingness to share it.

Thought i should share his smile :) Spread the joy around.
he actually reminds me of Calvin (of the Calvin & Hobbes fame :p)
especially when he combs his hair after his bath! =)
i adore him, much <3

..i think i need more of this, and not what you are willing to give.

Preparation.

first entry for the year; and i wanted it to be something well worth mentioning! This is why i was holding out on this, i wanted it to be significant. Before this year arrived, i couldn't say i was anticipating it with much excitement, neither can i right now. Being all set for His way does not equate actually being excited for it, does it? Or should it? Theoretically, maybe. Well, now that is the fuzzy part isn't it? (at least for me)

A girl can attempt to be ready for her uncertainty in life; yet she does not have to be excited about it! A girl can prepare herself for anything; yet it shocks the life out of her when it really comes to pass. Who actually does it correctly when preparing for the arrival of the emotion, the reaction, the actual event? It almost always turn out totally different. No matter how much time and effort you invested to train that mind to react.

Who prepares for a death? Even if they knew well ahead when was the ETA on going home. Who gets ready for the breakup when you're holding on tightly to all those excessive chemical release, being in love and all.

Oh dear, morbid thoughts. My supposed well worth mentioning thoughts. I guess, this year brought back memories of last year! And have you ever realized how tough it is to forget something you don't really want to remember? It always seem like, the harder you tried to erase it, the stronger it sticks onto you!

So there, my thoughts for the new year. My conclusion for now; one cannot truly be ready ready for something that isn't here yet. Hypothetical isn't real. It is not supposed to be, real. Perhaps, when it is here already, you can then decide to be ready for it. But before it happens, stay put.

(note: thoughts may appear to be a little confusing because maybe it is a little messed up)

On an unrelated note. For the new year, i cut my hair (real short) and found myself a new American series to be addicted to, the series called Life. I love it. He reminds me of someone i know very well. I like his sense of logic and rationale. Charming.

Shall return soon.

My phobic reaction.

An intense irrational fear of a living organism (lizards, in my case!); they call it a phobia. I am extremely terrified of it (it shall not be name again, it does not deserve a second mention, haha!). Right, perhaps there is also some form of hatred towards it (with a true passion :p). Seriously, it has a paralyzing effect on me, Lol! The house is so full of it, and it(s) are huge! When i see it around the house, i normally greet it with a scream and the physiological changes of a flight response (most definitely not the fight response =S). I am very mindful of it(s), i know where it's regular hideouts are (but it does surprise me more than occasionally, haha!). Papi knows when i'm headed for the kitchen; cause i warn it(s) i'm coming! *knocks the refrigerator.knocks the table.kicks the cupboard door under the sink.wait 5 seconds (that is plenty of time to flee the scene, it! scram.)* Even with clear auditory signal of my arrival for it; it still manages to chase me out of the kitchen before i complete my task back there. Haha!
*just in case, you're currently confused as to what it is :p It refers to the creature i am terrified of, (she still refuses to mention it's name again, haha!)

I am not talking about it, just for the fun of it. Why would i right? For i hate it(s) with a passion. My main point was actually, phobia itself! You do not want to know how many worst case scenarios i've managed to come up with, concerning it. Even imaginary; it still get to me, real bad. Somehow i'm going attempt to draw a connection between phobia and the uncertain future.

Based on the definition of a phobia, wouldn't it be appropriate to conclude that a constant worrying (at times, fearing) for the future is indeed a phobic reaction. We've been told over and over, we're not to worry about the future. We're constantly reminded we're in His hands. You could never ask for a better hand (for there isn't one :p).

Take the gospel of Matthew, it says plenty about not worrying. :) *why aren't we convicted yet?

Matthew 6:25-33 says;
²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

What does worrying add to our lives anyway? Only brings about fear. An irrational (could sometimes turn pretty intense) fear for the future; even when we clearly know who holds the future. Uncertainty is scary, no doubts about that! I know it perfectly well, as all i see now is uncertainty :D I thank God for the days when no such worrying occurs; but on days when i'm down in the shithole (pardon my french), it is never easy. (a little disclaimer here!) Of course, i'm not suggesting we should just sit back and do zilch! You know, since it was written, we are not worry about anything! I would say, that is more like being indifferent. Fully trusting and relying on my beyond awesome Father shan't be confused with being indifferent.

Contrary to popular belief, i have more than lazing to do during this phase in my life :) Just thought i should make that clear, Haha. Two months from today; is a day i'm part looking forward to and part dreading. :D

*a part of me for a part of you. sleep is still eluding me, a conundrum you truly are. :(

When a question is worth a dime; quit asking.

If i'd get a dime each time someone direct a "are you working yet?" or "what are your plans now?" and the likes at me. May i suggest to leave the poor girl alone to her unsorted thoughts? I'm sure, she'd appreciate it much. :) I know you mean well, but mostly it doesn't help her when she hasn't even been able to sort out her thoughts, let alone her plans for the future. She just came back from an amazing 18 day journey; the experience hasn't even fully dissolved yet! She's still suffering withdrawal symptoms from after Hong Kong, mind you :(

These things, they take time. You don't come up with a full blue print of your life over night, do you? I guess, i can't blame you. You mean well. Yet, i mean for you to quit asking.

It took her a pastor miles away to remind her; it doesn't mean intending to do her post graduate studies in Psychology (*and not Theology) shows she loves the world more than her Father.

"If God can impress upon the heart of a child to take up Theological studies, why can't he impress upon your heart to continue on with Psychology?" Says he.

In all honesty, that statement have never been clearer to me before. It was like an epiphany, dawned on me the night before we were scheduled to return. There was a period not too long ago where i'll pray that the Father take away the desire to study (i still do it occasionally, whenever i literally can't think or do anything but sigh!) :( don't ask me why i did that then; i'll probably give you a socially desirable answer. Perhaps, the truth is - i am afraid. Possible rejections, the thought of treading down the wrong path *again, hypothetical make believe future, all those dreadful (fake) If Onlys. It is not always great to have a mind capable of fantabulous imaginations. Mine's pretty amazing at ekam eveileb as well (think, Cecilia Ahern's If Only You Were Here) Seriously. Not fun at all. :(

I am very hard on myself, i know it exceedingly well. I drill myself with tons of questions, demanding plenty more than an answer. Where was the girl who wanted to take up Theology after her Bachelors? silence. How do you deal with such a big change of focus? still can't get past this. Are you not willing to let go? i'll get back to you. Are you holding on tighter than you ought to? still no answer.

I might be able to pinpoint a certain contributing factor. Loyalty. I believe i'm a rather loyal individual (or so i've been told ;p). Here's an unrelated (but it serves its purpose ;p) example. When you are upgraded to being one of my favorite author; i'll read every single book you wrote, chronologically never mind the different characters or story line! Haha. :p *lets not go into serious matter, i am ashamed of what i could talk myself into compromising.

When presented with an option, a possibility. Perhaps, this could be it *excitement*. How do you feel about it? i ask myself. This time's different. I'll hear myself say; but I've heard that phrase one too many times, to know better. I know, clinging on to hope isn't such a bad idea. Even if its only a glimmer of hope. If that's the only thing you've got left. Cling on to it.

Still, I ask for more. I ask to feel it in my bones.

*Pardon my incongruent thoughts today. I am in the midst of sorting them out :)

In regards to what's my future plans; You'll know when i know. Trust me, you need to let it go already. quit asking.

i adore you.. by the way (Grey, 2008)

For the many times i've broken Your heart.

The feeling you get; when a truly annoying song get stuck in your head for the entire day just because some random radio station triggered them hair cells to start bending by playing it early in the morning while you're on the way to work/school. Isn't it the most annoying feeling? For Bleeding love to be blasting in your head for the whole freaking 8 hours you're trying to concentrate on the pc screen? Haha! Plenty of times, that has happened to me! If only, there was a delete song option, for my short term memory! ;)

Then, there's the feeling you get; when the words of a song pierced right through your heart, just because you know how close it represents a smack on the head, telling you to "wakeup! Its bout time you realize this already dumbass, how long are you planning to live in the closet?"

This song; have been bending them hair cells for days now.

O how many times have i broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only i ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything i need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything i need is You
(part of All For Love by Hillsong United)

How many times exactly have i broken Your heart? (i don't even dare start counting :( !) How many times have i then asked for forgiveness? (i'm not proud of the many times :( !) Exactly how many more times am i going to be breaking Your heart? (for i know this will surely happen :(( !) And the worst part; Breaking It knowingly, consciously, and selfishly knowing that You will always forgive me when i ask.

I know i'm not supposed to be comparing my broken heart with the Father's broken heart; for it is not even close to being a bit analogous! Yet, it didn't stop me from wondering how could i break His heart so many times? When i know exactly how it feels; i felt the world crumbling, literally and i couldn't see how it was possible to get out of that shit hole. *Eventually i did, and it was totally through His grace and neverending mercies. This is a whole different story which i'm not going to elaborate further right now ;))* What i am trying to portray here, an extremely vague comparison (definitely not comparable, not even a single bit!); imagine me breaking the Father's heart that many times. I mean, seriously. You thought you were going to die over a broken heart and yet, you are willing to break your Father's heart that many times?

wakeup already elaine.tan :'(

As the damage has already been done, i can only say again and again; I'm truly sorry for all the things i've done. For all those broken hearts i've caused You. I'm eternally grateful for a Father like you, and i really really do love you! :)

PS. Oh, Just in case you were wondering why them hair cells? I was making a reference to the hair cells in our ears, the one that needs to bend in order for us to process auditory information ;)

I should better get going. Heading to the lapangan terbang, will be spending the next few days with the twin sister here at Lion City, Woahh. :) Its bout time, the sisters get together for a great time! =)

I'm glad to have you, even if its only as it is.