A succinct moment.

I was never trained to be succinct with words.
I grew to love how words can convey such specific emotions and thoughts perfect for the moment.

This entry isn't about words, but how concise my present moment is about.

Many has remarked on how brave i am to embark toward my next destination in life.
Most are shocked to find out i know no one in that relatively foreign land i'm preparing to set foot on.

They see it as, i'll be all alone (thousands of) miles away from home.
I see it as, I am never alone. He has gone before me and is going with me.

I can argue that reality hasn't quite set in yet,
but i can't deny how at peace i am about this next (new) beginning i'm about to play out.
It will be a (new) beginning, literally. I have always wondered what it would be like living in a far far away land where no one knows me. Guess what? i get to find out myself :D

This moment is beyond words.
I am beyond ecstatic.
Rapturous delight, may do it justice.

The love of The Father.

Russell is scheduled for surgery in the morning.
An ovariohysterectomy, and i miss her already.
She has to stay the night at the clinic.
(i have to go through this process again with Bacon and Olive, i wonder if it's ever going to be easier)

Since mom spoke to the veterinarian i assumed she knew,
i bothered her with questions about the procedure,
till the point she suggested i check in with Russell.

If they had allowed human companions for the surgery and the stay overnight,
i would have.

It hurts to know she will be in pain,
and she will assume i abandoned her there. :(

As the heart aches over the arrangement,
where there were no other way around this than to wait till morning,
when i can bring Russell home.

I experienced an extremely quasi analogousness,
to the significance of today.

Today,
signifies the deed on the cross.
How much the Father loved us,
that He gave His only begotten son.
To take upon the sins of the world,
and be separated for that instant.

The hurt must have been beyond unbearable.
For there is no greater love than His love for us.
No words expressive enough to thank you,
for loving me, above all else.

I love you Father, most sincerely.

Desperate, much.

Just last weekend, we visited dad and mom's pastor from about 30 years ago! He is such a wonderful person, an exceptionally hilarious pastor. Makes me wonder how much excitement they must have had while growing up in church in their time. :)

Pastor John said many things, things that made me laugh so hard i realized what i took for granted.

One thing he said that stuck to me ever since, was this.

You must be desperate enough to ask for in prayer.

On frequent occasions, I am inclined to just whisper a prayer and see how things go.
See how things turn out.
Even by typing that out, i am embarrassed at my lack of faith.

Just sitting around waiting for things to fall into place isn't the way to go.
desperation however, brings about movement.
a whole different level of putting all your heart in prayer.

I urge you, to be desperate.
Desperate enough to yearn for perpetual experience of His greatness.

Forget anxiety,
all that does is overwhelm you and shadow the surreal excitement you're supposed to be feeling.

As the sense of surrealism sets in, i learn to trust Him entirely. I have after all, come this far haven't i? :)

Every single day feels like an adventure with Him. Embrace it, Live it, Be proud of it.

PS. April is going to be a fabulous month, i know so.

Philippi.

Philippians 4
says;

6Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your request to God.

I was reminded just hours ago of this verse, by Brian Tang :)

Perhaps, all that is needed for the answers to arrive at my mailbox is to not be anxious.

Somehow, it feels like He's grooming me for the moment of truth.
and i'll give anything, to truly say; I'm ready. Lay it on me, Father.

Pray. That i do, fervently.

A whole bundle of them.

A week worth of nerves.

..is definitely taking a toll on my mental health. :( Waking up at 2am, and not being able to fall back to sleep is insanely frustrating! Nerves, they come barging into my daily life, and now mess with my circadian rhythm? I can't seem to rid off them nerves.

I awake at a couple intervals throughout the night, all fidgety and restless. Anxious for answers that are due to arrive in my mailbox. This year however, i do not have the luxury of refreshing my mailbox every other minute. Thank goodness for that, i am less obsessed with empty mailboxes this year. Still, tension builds as i am not being able to stare at my empty virtual mailbox part willing for an answer, part hoping i get to live in this make believe world a little while longer. :(

I do not know what is coming my way, not even the slightest hint. :( It isn't easy, not knowing. I seek however, for the Grace to accept whatever answers that are coming my way! :) I sincerely want that for myself. Amazingly, i did just that a week ago =) I continue to hold fast onto His promises, and strength through this season.

You have no idea, how many times i wished for a fast-forward button. I wished i didn't have to go through yet another nerve wreaking season. :(

The calmness before the storm, hey?
Father, grant me the serenity and grace needed for this time of my life.

I am reminded of;

Psalms 127
1Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders build in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat,
for He grants sleep to those He loves.

i miss vous, much.

Thessaloniki.

1 Thessalonians 5
says;

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

rejoice, pray, give thanks;
always, without ceasing, in everything.
for This is the will of God.

Amen.

Smile, you are so pretty.

It has definitely been a hectic start of the year for me! With January almost up, i still feel as if i should begin working up my Christmas spirit. How far behind am i keeping myself at? :(
And being anxious isn't helping, at all. I have accepted the fact, i now need self-convincing to wake up and face a new day (almost every single day).
Last year's today wasn't a very pleasant one, i still recall vividly :( I wouldn't want that unpleasantness to revisit me, yet i can't help but wonder if it will only come by later :(

When the spirits are down, expect to receive a lift me up from the Father :) He does that. He is really awesome with little surprises =))
(when you're so busy wallowing, who would be on the look out for those lift me up, hey? :p Hence, making the surprise even better :D)

Smiles are contagious, always. Laughter brightens the spirit. Which is why, i adore having shiny smiley happy little beings around me :) They have the most heartwarming smile to offer, and the most sincere laughter to boot =)

LJH, lights up my day :) I thank God for giving him that amazing smile, that infectious laughter, and a willingness to share it.

Thought i should share his smile :) Spread the joy around.
he actually reminds me of Calvin (of the Calvin & Hobbes fame :p)
especially when he combs his hair after his bath! =)
i adore him, much <3

..i think i need more of this, and not what you are willing to give.

Twenty five's the magic number.

I am truly and exceedingly anxious nervous about tomorrow! Seriously, i would like very much to start the new year with a little more certainty. It is going to be my 25th year in life, and 25 years is a long time (at least in my world of perception, it is). One can achieve great things by 25, one can do manymany things in 25 years! Turning twenty five, hey? *it is going to be magical* ..really?

I look back and ponder; wondering how this year went by just like that. As much as i love making lists, i am not in the habit of churning out new year's resolutions, what is the point of having one if i don't even come close to crossing them off by the end of each year? People tend to get excited about the whole new year; new resolutions dramadrama! Its all very pretty to begin the new year with a big bang, along with all these amazing ideas and must dos without taking realism into point here.
(i certainly do not want to sound like a cynical misanthrope, oppsie :p Just a point to note; i do not oppose of having new resolutions in general, just for myself i do =))

"What are your plans for next year?" I get that, alot.
I tell myself; its okay, they're just concerned for you.
but i'm sorry, i can't say and i can't tell you just yet; i whisper to myself
because this life; it's not mine to plan. never was, never will be.
I've learned it the hard way, and am not going to fall back into the old style me.
Its not that i do not have a direction in life, i do (sort of). Just that, i no longer have anything carved on stone. In fact, i no longer do any carving.
..Dreams, i have plenty. Plans, i have virtually none.

This may probably not be the healthiest way of living, but i think its best now for me to take a step at a time. See how things turn out and march along. With baby steps, falling won't be that painful would it?

It is terrifying to not know; but i am comforted to know that He is watching over me, every single step of the way :)

So hit me with the new year resolutions, this is what you most probably will get :)
"Start a Jane Austen book club; learn to make good wine; and maybe start a poker night with the boys (or girls)? Care to join me?"

Have a pleasant new year, world :)

have a great life, you :)

Ahh, i am only human.

I'd say first impressions are almost as important as being impressively talented. Take notice the next time you meet someone new; we're actually real quick at deciding if we're going to put the extra effort to cultivate some form of relationship with this potential new friend we just met. As for me; i do decide if i'm going to be friends with a certain someone within minutes of our first interaction.

(Having said that, i must admit i have not been doing well with this judgement scheme, haha! *am not even improving. I should probably device a better judgement procedure.)

Ha! By using the word judgement; i just successfully made myself sound like an arrogant selfish judgmental bimbo, ehh?

Point to note; i am talking about first impression judgments, as it has nothing to do with later parts of my friendships (honest) Hmm, so maybe judgement isn't really a good choice of word here huh? I can see too much negative connotation lingering around already, heh.

A (very close) friend once told me, Psychology majors may very well be the most judgmental group of people around. I have to agree, that could be very true.

*disclaimer: it is pretty true for me; this statement is essential as i was taught not to generalized such conclusions. I wouldn't want to be committing a Type I error now, would i? *the horror*

One of the things i do occasionally; count the number of closer friends i have. Friends counting. Call me mou liu if you wish, i really do count my closer friends. Haha! :D I'm not suggesting you should follow suit; but if you so happen to find yourself friends counting. How about a little recounting exercise? Try this; think, of how many of these closer friends, had you once gave a note to self saying "Nahh, not a chance! not in a million years i'll ever be close friends with her!" or "We're so different, we're so not going to have anything to talk about!" or the likes? Funny story (also true, haha); you'll soon realize, somehow after some interesting twist of events, they ended up being one of your best buds :)

(also, it really works both ways :p you know; a guy impresses you, and you think to self - wow, we're really going to get along. and he goes on to *burst the hope* yet, another lapse in judgement. such is life people. suck it up. :p)

(I should probably defend them as well) In their defense, i was/am/going to be someone else's lapse of judgement *wink* I know sometimes, i may just decide to be slightly mean or indifferent. That could probably result in someone else thinking i was a mistake. So see, i could turn out to be one of them for certain people. Statistically, very possible. :)

*hey, at least i'm honest eh? and i'm pretty sure there are people who dislike me in some parts of the world. :p Haha!

(and i wonder if i'm still making sense here)

I know we do need these heuristics to help us along daily life; perhaps maybe we shouldn't be relying too much on first impressions, you think? (if thats possible :p). It is amazing how a single piece of information (it could even be something totally trivial or emotionally based) is perfectly capable of corrupting your inclination towards someone or sometimes even of an inanimate object. I don't know about you, but i speak for myself. Hmm, perhaps i am very judgmental eh? Definitely not a personality trait you'll like to be associated with.

Ahh, i am only human. I only get to tap on my Father's righteousness and holiness. In fact, that should suffice. Remind me Father.

we were always meant to say goodbye. already gone, i am. really.

My phobic reaction.

An intense irrational fear of a living organism (lizards, in my case!); they call it a phobia. I am extremely terrified of it (it shall not be name again, it does not deserve a second mention, haha!). Right, perhaps there is also some form of hatred towards it (with a true passion :p). Seriously, it has a paralyzing effect on me, Lol! The house is so full of it, and it(s) are huge! When i see it around the house, i normally greet it with a scream and the physiological changes of a flight response (most definitely not the fight response =S). I am very mindful of it(s), i know where it's regular hideouts are (but it does surprise me more than occasionally, haha!). Papi knows when i'm headed for the kitchen; cause i warn it(s) i'm coming! *knocks the refrigerator.knocks the table.kicks the cupboard door under the sink.wait 5 seconds (that is plenty of time to flee the scene, it! scram.)* Even with clear auditory signal of my arrival for it; it still manages to chase me out of the kitchen before i complete my task back there. Haha!
*just in case, you're currently confused as to what it is :p It refers to the creature i am terrified of, (she still refuses to mention it's name again, haha!)

I am not talking about it, just for the fun of it. Why would i right? For i hate it(s) with a passion. My main point was actually, phobia itself! You do not want to know how many worst case scenarios i've managed to come up with, concerning it. Even imaginary; it still get to me, real bad. Somehow i'm going attempt to draw a connection between phobia and the uncertain future.

Based on the definition of a phobia, wouldn't it be appropriate to conclude that a constant worrying (at times, fearing) for the future is indeed a phobic reaction. We've been told over and over, we're not to worry about the future. We're constantly reminded we're in His hands. You could never ask for a better hand (for there isn't one :p).

Take the gospel of Matthew, it says plenty about not worrying. :) *why aren't we convicted yet?

Matthew 6:25-33 says;
²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

What does worrying add to our lives anyway? Only brings about fear. An irrational (could sometimes turn pretty intense) fear for the future; even when we clearly know who holds the future. Uncertainty is scary, no doubts about that! I know it perfectly well, as all i see now is uncertainty :D I thank God for the days when no such worrying occurs; but on days when i'm down in the shithole (pardon my french), it is never easy. (a little disclaimer here!) Of course, i'm not suggesting we should just sit back and do zilch! You know, since it was written, we are not worry about anything! I would say, that is more like being indifferent. Fully trusting and relying on my beyond awesome Father shan't be confused with being indifferent.

Contrary to popular belief, i have more than lazing to do during this phase in my life :) Just thought i should make that clear, Haha. Two months from today; is a day i'm part looking forward to and part dreading. :D

*a part of me for a part of you. sleep is still eluding me, a conundrum you truly are. :(

At times; it slips through.

but He reminds.

And i begin to wonder, why do i need such constant reminding; (be it from self, or my loved one or from the Father Himself)? This is why my friend, good habits seldom last while the nasty ones stay for good. Fine, i know i shouldn't be generalizing on all kinds of habits, tapi it seems to follow this particular pattern. For when it involves my Father. It tends to slip, all the time in fact.

How many times have we been reminded that we should not worry and freak out when something didn't go as plan? and that we should always always trust in the Father? We all know we should trust in Him, its basic head knowledge as a child. Yet, when trouble really comes knocking on our door, we tend to start panicking, being dramatic, going hysterical even within moments! Only to realized at the end of the day, everything worked out well =) B.E.A.U-tifully in fact! (*We refers to elaine.tan here ;p)

If only we had the courage to pause. reflect. ponder. trust in Him. For i believe it takes much courage to not panic. not be dramatic. not go hysterical. I am ashamed to admit that i myself panic really quickly, only to later realized (this is after my bout of dramatic hysteria, mind you ;p)
Elaine Tan, what can hysteria do to make your problems go away? You're just being dramatic!

A scenario of a dramatic hysteria i had.
Here's how the story goes;
Sometime last year, i was scheduled for a standardized (i detest this test then, and still do! haha) computerized (key word. computerized test) exam one morning. The night before, i was even telling mami i do not think i can make it, but i managed to convince myself all that matters was His plans for me. Nothing else mattered, if the Father says no, its a no kan? Therefore, based on my realization and theory, i should have nothing to worry about, kan?

Little did i know, what was to happen on exam day. Haha (i can laugh now, when i think back ;p). How i wish i could have laugh then, and then just look up to Him smiling ;))

Came test day.
Woke up with several bundles of nerves! woahh. I was jittery the whole journey to the test center, haha. I was reminding myself, For His reasons, thats all that matters. I was convicted.

When i got there, first thing i noticed was "Ehh? Kenapa gelap-nya? (why so dark?)" I made my way to the testing area, only to have a lady asking me if i was here for a test. What happened seconds later was epic. LOL. Seriously, i literally went hysterical.

;) Hahaha. Poor mami had to try calming me down while still trying to figure out what happened.

The lady informed me, there was a power failure *already gasping for air at this juncture* Telling me this was the first ever power cut did not help at all. Wahhh. All those convictions i had while on the bus/train all went through the window at that moment.

You see, i had to take the test that day in order to make it for the deadlines. I knew i didn't have time to reschedule. Knowing that you normally have to book it months before hand freaked me out worst.

After they confirmed there was NO way the power was coming back that day, they sent us home. I was devastated. Almost immediately, negativity came by. Stayed for quite a bit. I was walking out, and right in the front of XXX Hotel, i burst out crying (i should also note that the trigger was mami's voice, haha.) She called. I cried so hard, telling her maybe this was God's way of saying NOO!! I'm quite sure it wasn't a pretty sight; as i could see from the corner of my eyes, two hotel employees hesitant, and contemplating if they should approach this hysterical girl. HAHAHA! Talk about being dramatically hysterical ;)

Then, mami reminded me; so did the Father later.

Needless to say, everything worked out well =) my test got rescheduled. I made it for those deadlines. Isn't He just amazing? ;) If the Father is on our side, who can be against us eh?

(waiit, my story hasn't ended yet! ;p there's a part two.)
Came rescheduled test day.
4 minutes before the test was over. *all went dark* Can you imagine that? Power failure! LOL. My four hour exam, and the power had to go off 4 minutes before i was done. Great timing, isn't it? ;)

Guess what? This time, i looked up (literally) and smiled ;)) There wasn't a bit hysteria in me. *gladness* I was rather calm (as compared to the other test takers.) The only thing i dreaded was if i had to retake the whole four hour exam again *that definitely could induce a faint ;p* Well, it had on the auto save function, nasib baik i didn't have to take it all over again ;) All was well the second time round, almost as if He was testing me to make sure i meant it this time round =)

Still, it is disturbing how easy i tend forget, and how constant i need reminding. =( But i'm truly glad He still reminds me (even after countless dramatic hysterias i've had :( am not particularly proud of this fact :S)

Note to self:
When He reminds, remember (for as long as your mind can retain). Store it in your Long Term Memory, but still keep it running in the Working Memory as well okay, Elaine Tan?

You reminded me, and we remember.