In times

of sorrow,

He draws you back to Him.

I carry your heart with me.

by E. E. Cummings.

I carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

I am never without it

(anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

(I carry it in my heart)

..the heart aches on this day.

the heart broke a lil for you.

10 years ago, Cia and I were watching Gilmore Girls on Channel5.

I don't think i'll ever forget this day.

I'm sorry i forgot.

I still let myself forget that you have gone home.

It is so much easier.

Being back here, it was so easy to fall back into my own world.

The world where you're just 10,000 miles away.

Cia posted a link on your Facebook wall, i couldn't bear to watch it.

Because i remembered it from a couple years back.

Back when, everything was still bright and shiny.

I miss you so much, words fail me.

13th.

It's July. One year ago, it was the month of too-many-emotions entwined. I believe this year is going to be the same.

Miss you.

A thought came to mind yesterday, I want to help achieve your dream of writing the book. After all, I was commissioned to finish it for you.

You once told me, we should not write a book when we're still fresh in life. Instead, write when we're older and wiser because only then will we have more to offer the world ..with the wise.

Only this time, it'll be in a third voice instead of your own.

So many things you dreamed of, so many things you wanted to see change. Your daughters will strive to carry on your dreams.

Still homesick.

I am at a perpetual state of missing you.

Most times, the heart know not how to respond.

..i was even bargaining for some of mine in exchange for yours,

i still do.

Smaller.

With each dream i have of you,

the smaller you get.

..does that mean that my memories of you are fading?

because memories do fade away.

Missing you, papi.

Two years.

since the first entry of this blog.

So much has happened since. Thinking back, it was pretty overwhelming!

On a summery note, I've been home almost a month now and yet i've done nothing remotely academic related! Yikes. I have to get cracking, like now.

Shall be back soon.

SIx days.

This time next week, i'll be in mid air gliding over the North Pacific Ocean heading home home.

The person is anxious. The heart may be apprehensive. Too many first, the mind is in overdrive. I just need to learn to trust, its all that matters.

Only six days till i begin my travel home, the tummy will not stop churning.

Ma, six.

I'm coming home.

To be honest.

Over the past few weeks, i came about knowing certain things that really upset my heart :(

One after another, they surprised me.

I no longer was able to pretend that everything was fine, i avoided.

and then, i felt stupid.

Am i that bad a judge of character? Am i the one who's being ridiculous?

It was the whole L-drama all over again. I knew it, he knew it.

It hurt. And i begin to wonder if i was ever someone else's wrong horse.

Surely, i was. At one point of my life - i am only human.

..I'm truly sorry if i was a wrong horse you once bet on.

On a frivolous note; April was brilliantly amazing :) Well, at least the end of April was! It was a beautiful day (month) =) All the emotions, all the sorrows, all the hard work - it was well worth it. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful year in Starkville. Thank you for sending beautiful horses my way, Father.

I'll see you back home soon. :)

just 14 more days, Ma.

April 29th.

Every year, today, you remind me to thank Mom.

For the 24 hour labor she had to endure for me.

Today, 26 years after, i reminded myself.

Thank you Ma, for doing it for me.

I love the both of you so very much.

All my Love,

Your eldest.

Till it heals, or will it not?

..8 months since but the heart remains broken.

15 May 2010, i was so proud of you.

There is no telling,

how your day is going to turn out.

There will come days when you wake up feeling gloomy and crumbly as you frantically seek for the strength to drag your arse out of bed ..but these days are the ones that turned out beautifully.

And come days when you wake up feeling all bright and shiny only to be stumped hard in the noonday.

There is no telling, when our time comes.

So just in case, i need you to know that I love you. So much, favorite.

"..we all have a time, and it always comes!" - a very wise imaginary friend.

Homesick.

The lyrics of this very song hit closest to the heart.

:'(

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Homesick by MercyMe.

..btw, I think i've gotten really good at masking random tears that decide to grace me oh.so.often.

Everyone.

dies ..eventually.

People often say that with age comes wisdom. I no longer buy that equation, not since I crossed path with some not-so-wise-older-people.

So, what exactly happen to us as we age?

When what they call life sets in along this earthly journey, or when we finally stop wishing to remain little people so we could still hide in our parent's shadow - what changes?

One fine day, we'll truly know that there is nothing to fear.

..It is after all part of one's life cycle.

Hope.

Hopefully one day i'll look back at this week and wonder what was wrong with me?

Ehh?

Sigh. Such a horrible week. I really feel like crawling under a rock until its safe to emerge into this world again, or maybe i could just sit in my closet.

Lousy thoughts, gloomy mood, sucky weather. Yuck.

NeedSpringBreakNOW.

If i were to run away,

would you know where to even start looking for me?

Mom.

If my heart is hurting;

i cannot even begin to imagine yours.

If i am willing to go home soon just to see him again,

you probably wouldn't mind now.

If i find myself catching my breath,

I wonder how you even breathe.

You're the strongest woman I have ever had the privilege to love.

You have taught me so much i owe you more than i could ever offer.

If i miss him this much on this day,

your heart must be breaking.

I love you so much words can never truly express.

and i know with absolute certainty, so did he.

I cannot wait to spend time with you, so very soon.

♥ David's angel.

Six months.

How did we survive six months without you?

Where did all that strength come from, i sit down and wonder.

Definitely not our own, i know for sure.

Take us through many more six months, Father.

Burden lifted.

I woke up this morning thinking it was just going to be another regular day.

Never did i imagine this day would ever happen (in my lifetime), let alone it being today.

Such liberation, i felt today.

It was an amazing day :D Truly.

I thank God for sending marvelous people and placing them strategically around me.

For moms who would give me a timely well-deserved bout of scolding.

For precious ones who would say "I told you so" right to my face.

For wonderful colleagues who wouldn't let me make the same mistakes as they did.

Mississippi is indeed where i was placed for a purpose.

Strength.

..i'm not sure if i still have the strength to hope with you.

because it feels like papi all over again.

The heart is heavy, so are the words.

Forming syllabus and attempting to string them into a prayer, feels so mechanical.

I honestly do not know how else to pray but cry out to You.

This is all i have left to offer,

..my sincerest tears from a broken heart.

Yet another gloomy Friday.

"This may be the last Chinese New Year i'm celebrating at home for a long long time", I remember telling you.

Who would have thought it was also your last? Except yours lasts (earth time) forever.

I catch my breath each time i think back to a memory with you - i wonder what would be different if i knew what was to be in (insert months) time? I calculate how much time i had left from when that memory was formed. I hate myself for not knowing, but at the same time how could i have?

I woke up at 5AM this morning with part of the dream of you still fresh in my mind - :) :(

I jotted down notes on my phone, so it wouldn't fade away.

We were at this cottage house at some part of the world and it felt like we were in a movie itself - i didn't understand.

This part was vivid, you left a note on a mini piano musical box - it was clearly your cursive handwriting.

The note said;

For my girl,

When you find yourself in this house and reading this note - it means that someone has asked me for your hand in marriage.

I asked, why are you spoiling the surprise?

You answered, its okay.

(because i know how much i want you to be at my wedding walking me down the aisle)

I forgot to tell you how much i miss and love you.

A play of one.

You wake up one morning;

to find the perfect little happy bubble you live in is now leaking.

You peer out that tiny hole;

only to find a world new world foreign to you.

How oblivious can one be?

The world revolves around the sun,

..most certainly not you.

So much pain,

So much truth hidden behind make.believe happiness.

They are many,

you are one.

It is definitely easier,

to retreat back to the (leaking) bubble and your play of one.

Oswald Chambers said;

"Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete, and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ said - pray for a the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea. - O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me."

Oh Father,

Help me serve others,

with a joyful heart no less than willing.

Journey with me,

as i launch out and care less about me.

Teach me patience,

to love the many.

This time, i knew.

I just wrote a two page narrating the dream of you. Yet, i'm still afraid its going to fade away any second.

This time, it was clearly you. I was sitting on your lap, all i did was hug you tight. I asked you questions, morbid ones as we both seemed to know. I knew you were going away again, just wasn't sure when. You looked at peace, and were still giving me your words of wisdom on death.

..I even asked you if you were excited to go home (i told you it was morbid). I asked if you could smile down on us from time to time, but it was a negatory - i wonder why, i'll find out for myself soon enough.

I couldn't remember if i said I Love You enough (or at all) while hugging you. I really wish i did. Even in my dreams, i was so afraid of the time you were going home ..again. It wasn't you this time, it was me. Waking up took you back home again.

It was Cia's 24th yesterday, and it felt like such a different day. Our first birthdays without you are coming up. Maybe that's what's making me all jittery.

I love you so much daddy.

Snowed in, :)

I don't hate you but i wish you didn't have to come by so often, Mondays.

I did what Calvin would do, build a (single) mini snowman army :D

It was such a beautiful sight to wake up to this morning!

You constantly amaze me.

Today, is the day i decide to learn to love You so much once again.

..Show me how to love like You have loved me.

And for the 29th time, Blessed Birthday favorite one ♥

I pray that you continue to grow into a man after God's own heart!

Remember, Psalm 55:22.

Cast your burden on the LORD,

and He shall sustain you;

He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

PS. When you find yourself listening to this over and over again, you know you're missing home more than quite abit!

A hole, too hard to fill.

I way more than love you,

it breaks my heart.

:'(

I'm going to have to learn to keep breathing with a hole in my heart.

Ready, or not.

Spring is here.

and I'll have to brace myself and survive it.

It's about an equal mixture of nervousness and excitement.

I do look forward to an amazing Spring semester and to end my first year with a glorious note :D

Also, knowing that students truly enjoyed your lecture and you being their TA,

never fails to brighten your day.

To many more bright&shiny days, cheerio!

Note to self: Do stay sane, Oh and do try to eliminate procrastination. *wink.

get.your.ducks.in.a.row.pronto!