Six months.

How did we survive six months without you?

Where did all that strength come from, i sit down and wonder.

Definitely not our own, i know for sure.

Take us through many more six months, Father.

About a girl.

The past few days, i am reminded of a story i read a long time ago,

about a girl sobbing as she hugged her dad goodbye at the airport.

She was leaving for her studies, and knew she could not afford to come home to visit.

She knew the only time she'll be back, was going to be for her dad's funeral.

I do not know if my memory has tweaked the story fairly recently or that was how the story was originally presented to me.

Nonetheless.

I am the girl,

who did not even make it back for her dad's funeral.

whose tears and laughter now come habitually natural to her.

who reminds herself she's not only doing this for herself.

I am the girl, who still needs her father.

The daughter, whom God has assured at innumerable occasions.

You are not alone.

A promise made.

to wake up early for an experience with You, every tomorrow.

to attempt to learn the book of Psalms by heart,

(..not so sure how long that is going to take me but i'm making progress with Psalm 1,

I remember papi asking me to memorize this Psalm about 7 years ago or so - clearly that didn't stick, hah.

But based on Ebbinghaus' Methods of Savings, i should be able to save 33% of the time learning it the second time round. I love how Psychology is in everything!)

I yearn for wisdom and discernment.

I want Your glory to live and shine through me, daily.

I desire to make both my fathers proud, real proud of me.

Sincerely, i ask for Your help in achieving that.

I love that how both my fathers are in the same place right now, ♥

I miss spending real quality time with you both.

I truly believe.

and even my bones concur.

:)

Dear Lord,
I surrender him to You.

May Your strength and mercies,
renew at the every break of dawn.

Walk with him.
Dream with him.
Conquer with him.

In Your precious name,
Amen

This task before me may seem unclear,
But it, my maker holds.
Bebo Norman's The Hammer Holds

I walk alone.

You may sit awhile with me.
You may pray along with me.
You may hope together with me.
You may believe for me.

But.
Ultimately, i still walk alone.
With only God by my side,
..and it is all that i ever needed.

Leaving home.

did not feel this real.
..not till yesterday.

It has always felt so far and foreign,
until it hits close to home. literally.

His grace is sufficient,
always has been and always will be.
(AMEN)

Lord, lord.

"Why do you call me Lord?

When you won't even do what I ask."

Adapted from.
onetimeblind's Lord, lord.

Perfecto.

His timing is beyond perfect.

All that is needed of us, is to.
Wait patiently for it.
Be open to it.
Brace yourself for it.

the,
who would (ever) have thought moments.

Who would have thought,
I'd be spending the rest of my twenties back at school.
Cognitive Science. PhD. Mississippi.
its like a dream come true.

I would never have thought.

Amazing, He is indeed.

I love Him so much more, =)
He never cease to amaze me with His enchanting surprises.
♥

A succinct moment.

I was never trained to be succinct with words.
I grew to love how words can convey such specific emotions and thoughts perfect for the moment.

This entry isn't about words, but how concise my present moment is about.

Many has remarked on how brave i am to embark toward my next destination in life.
Most are shocked to find out i know no one in that relatively foreign land i'm preparing to set foot on.

They see it as, i'll be all alone (thousands of) miles away from home.
I see it as, I am never alone. He has gone before me and is going with me.

I can argue that reality hasn't quite set in yet,
but i can't deny how at peace i am about this next (new) beginning i'm about to play out.
It will be a (new) beginning, literally. I have always wondered what it would be like living in a far far away land where no one knows me. Guess what? i get to find out myself :D

This moment is beyond words.
I am beyond ecstatic.
Rapturous delight, may do it justice.

Almost didn't; doesn't count.

In the before;
You almost didn't even think it possible.
You almost didn't do it.
You almost didn't apply for it.
.. just for the peace of it, you did.
It became your just for the sake of.
but that almost didn't turned out to be It.
His best path for you.

Look back and you'll come to see,
how you were (sortof) nudged in that direction,
no matter how often you shoved that idea aside when it popped up in your mind!

Weigh it now, at the after;
you'll realize why you didn't see it,
how that was It then.
just because you were distracted, in the before.

How It fits you perfectly.
Almost as if it's tailored for you.

And then,
you'll truly understand what it means
for Him to know what's best.
since we didn't know better, back then.

The path that led me to this juncture was amazingly eventful,
crucial for the preparation of my immediate future.

With that, I am going to fully embrace every second of It.

I am but, one step closer to my dream come true.
and i have my Father to thank for that.
:)

I'm in.

I can't seem to fall asleep,
even when it's almost the break of dawn.

Perhaps i'm afraid i'll wake up from this dream.
This isn't a dream now is it? :)
That moment is still vivid and its playing over and over again in my head.

That instant i found out I was going back to school again,
Knowing i'm one step closer to living the dream.
Realizing it wasn't just make believe and wishful thinking having this dream.

Couple of days back,
Cia said to me; berani mimpi.
I told her; I didn't dare to.
She knew, hence the reminder.

Before i sent the package out this morning,
I asked myself if i had the faith to give it up first.
and wait for this.

Clearly, I am still lacking in that department.
The department of faith.

This month in particular,
I have so much to say but its all dwelling up in the head.
I'll need to sort them out,
before i am able to turn them into meaningful strings of words.

Till then, i may sound incongruent. Please pardon my gibberish. :)

Above all things mentioned here;
I thank my Amazing Father,
Who has brought me thus far.
Who has sent wonderfully amazing people to remind me and hope for me.

He is indeed a God of second chances.
.. and this time, i'm hanging onto it with both hands. :p

The love of The Father.

Russell is scheduled for surgery in the morning.
An ovariohysterectomy, and i miss her already.
She has to stay the night at the clinic.
(i have to go through this process again with Bacon and Olive, i wonder if it's ever going to be easier)

Since mom spoke to the veterinarian i assumed she knew,
i bothered her with questions about the procedure,
till the point she suggested i check in with Russell.

If they had allowed human companions for the surgery and the stay overnight,
i would have.

It hurts to know she will be in pain,
and she will assume i abandoned her there. :(

As the heart aches over the arrangement,
where there were no other way around this than to wait till morning,
when i can bring Russell home.

I experienced an extremely quasi analogousness,
to the significance of today.

Today,
signifies the deed on the cross.
How much the Father loved us,
that He gave His only begotten son.
To take upon the sins of the world,
and be separated for that instant.

The hurt must have been beyond unbearable.
For there is no greater love than His love for us.
No words expressive enough to thank you,
for loving me, above all else.

I love you Father, most sincerely.

The divine will.

If God willing, I'll be able to (insert verb) end of this year.
Have you ever been guilty of muttering these three words, in vain?
Well, i certainly have.
(allow me to explain my side of the argument)

As a Christian; a socially desirable phrase to include alongside your dream would be,
If it is (was) in God's will...

Often times, we end up using that as a defense mechanism against that unfulfilled dream of ours.
The dream we (sort of) knew we were hanging onto for our very own selfish ambitions, for the wants of a glamorous life in a fancy city, the longing of getting out of this rut hole we've been residing in long enough.
The truth hurts, so we lie (to ourselves).
Whatever your reasons may be, ultimately we're the ones getting hurt. And then, the whole justifying process begins.

So pick yourself up.

Truly mean those three words.

Evidently,
My Father's will trumps mine.
for His is the divine will.

Thessaloniki.

1 Thessalonians 5
says;

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

rejoice, pray, give thanks;
always, without ceasing, in everything.
for This is the will of God.

Amen.

Smile, you are so pretty.

It has definitely been a hectic start of the year for me! With January almost up, i still feel as if i should begin working up my Christmas spirit. How far behind am i keeping myself at? :(
And being anxious isn't helping, at all. I have accepted the fact, i now need self-convincing to wake up and face a new day (almost every single day).
Last year's today wasn't a very pleasant one, i still recall vividly :( I wouldn't want that unpleasantness to revisit me, yet i can't help but wonder if it will only come by later :(

When the spirits are down, expect to receive a lift me up from the Father :) He does that. He is really awesome with little surprises =))
(when you're so busy wallowing, who would be on the look out for those lift me up, hey? :p Hence, making the surprise even better :D)

Smiles are contagious, always. Laughter brightens the spirit. Which is why, i adore having shiny smiley happy little beings around me :) They have the most heartwarming smile to offer, and the most sincere laughter to boot =)

LJH, lights up my day :) I thank God for giving him that amazing smile, that infectious laughter, and a willingness to share it.

Thought i should share his smile :) Spread the joy around.
he actually reminds me of Calvin (of the Calvin & Hobbes fame :p)
especially when he combs his hair after his bath! =)
i adore him, much <3

..i think i need more of this, and not what you are willing to give.

I'm almost there.

I have a secret :) Well, i don't think this qualifies as a secretsecret per se.
I adore Disney, i grew up with Disney movies (and only Disney characters!), my wardrobe consists of mostly Disney. While growing up, it was practically all things Disney! I love Tigger (of the fame of the pooh named Winnie) I even collect Tigger in all sizes, :) Along with my sisters, we were affectionately known as the Disney kakis.
there, the secret is out! as if it was worth any penny, this secret of mine *grin*

Oh wait, that wasn't the secret. This is;
I would make it a point to learn the words of at least one song from each Disney movie. I still can sing them for you, if you absolutely make me, haha :p

As it is the coming of a new year; along with the recent Disney song which caught my penchant Almost There (from The Princess and the frog) they both fit perfectly :) This could be my new theme song, like seriously.

(parts of the lyrics of Almost There)
But i know exactly where I'm going (maybe not quite, but it'll be good if i did)
And getting closer, closer, every day (i know i am, irregardless of whether i want it or not)

And I'm almost there, I'm almost there
People down here think I'm crazy, but I don't care (suck it, people :D)
Trials and tribulations have had my share
There ain't nothing gonna stop me now cause I'm almost there.

and with all that You're bringing me through, i know that this new year is going to bring me closer to where i need be! Thank You, for not giving up on me just yet =)

A Blessed New Year, with a refreshed mind :) I'm all set, Father. Have it Your way.

..have it your way.

Blessed Christmas :)

*sings* Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. And have yourself a merry little Christmas now :)

I ♥ Christmas, alot! it is my second favorite day of the year (after a certain day in April) =)

This year however, had a slightly different kindda Christmas spirit build up. I wouldn't say it was a lousy month but it definitely was an intense month for me. :S December was beyond overwhelming, much. It was pretty insane, mainly mentally. Haha! (again, oblivious to the world)

I can't say i'm glad December is almost over; yet i can't sincerely rejoice the coming of a new year! Didn't they say; a new year marks a new beginning? still, i can't help but wonder if this is a new beginning i am prepared to embrace? *hmm* (without asking why?)

Well, its Christmas! So, in lights of the spirit of giving =) I'll like to extend the invitation of a virtual hug to (almost) everyone out there! (huggg) May your Christmas season be filled with joy and gladness. Let us give thanks and be grateful for what He has brought us through and is about to bring us :)

A toast! *cheerio* to the one and only ♥ Beyond Awesome Father =)

The end of the year marks a period of reflection, thanksgiving and forgiveness! Pause.LookBack.Reflect.SeekForgiveness.Forgive.
Then; together we will soldier on, my fellow comrades! Take heart, ♥

Vietnam was exciting :) I am grateful for family vacations, it certainly brought about merry and joy =) I certainly have amazing people in my life, and i have The Father to thank for that :)

(a preview of Vietnam, i just spend four hours posting pictures on Facebook! Haha. From the selection process to captioning (almost) all the cherished captured moments :p)

It was truly a beautiful day =) along with amazing people, it made it even better ;) ♥

i wonder when will i see you again.

Blessed are You; Source of all Life.

when i mention about how the Jewish give thanks to God on all occasion, i wasn't exaggerating at all, not even a little.

On washing hands (during Shabbat);
Blessed are You, Source of all Life, making us holy through Your Commandments, and commanding us to cleanse our hands.
(if you know how much i love washing my hands, :) this amaze me much!)

Thanking God always;
For sweet smelling perfume, For smelling flowers, For a beautiful sight, For hearing a thunder, For seeing a rainbow :) and plenty more simple joys of living (which i constantly take for granted).

For good news;
Blessed are You, Source of all Life, being the good and doing good.

For bad news;
Blessed are You, Source of all Life, being the true judge.

(Oh, the many times we find ourselves paying a visit to the land of Why me, Lord?; before we finally come to terms with the bad news and thank Him, whatever the circumstances)

and as For hope;
Have hope in the Eternal One,
Be strong and your heart will be strengthened.
Have hope in God.
(Psalms 27:14)

I life up my eyes to the hills,
Where will my help come from?
My help comes from God,
Creator of heaven and earth.
(Psalms 121:1-2)
Ahh, if it isn't my favorite Psalm :)

This, i will cling on to. Hope in the Lord.
(i am hopeful)

..stay hopeful, you.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

In the midst of a sudden surge of mournfulness that has rested upon those who happened to receive one too many (sudden) death news.

Some questions are best left unanswered; who are we to attempt at these dead-ends, hey? They are meant for the esoteric, the One and Only. It'll be self-induced torture, these mind games. Encircling the torture, as the questions always lead you back to the original thought.

I entertain (more than) a couple of morbid thoughts. Brush it away, it comes right back at ya. Negativity. Pessimism. Not really in a mood to have a nice day right now. :(

(I shed a tear; but you deserve more. so much more.) I'm sorry; is all i can manage.

Be reminded; Be Still and know that I Am God. Was, and is to be.

Hosanna; in the highest.

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything i am for your kingdoms cause
As i go from nothing to eternity

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest
(Hosanna; by Brooke Fraser, Hillsong United)

A marvelous experience, indeed!

My 18 days spent in Hong Kong/Macao was amazing (don't get me wrong, they were not all happy and exhilarating days! Trust me, i had my fair share of overwhelming emotions). Name an emotion, i've probably experienced it in that 18 days. Ask mami, and she'll tell you how many times i've called home saying i wanted to go home!

With already a few days of sleep deprivation, Brian and i headed toward Hong Kong for the Youth Leaders Regional Assembly. I knew i gave myself too much pressure when i started becoming cranky every other second. Poor Brian had to experience the crankiness of Elaine extremely early in our friendship! Haha. The frustration that caught up to me was overwhelming. Which of course led to arguments :( Then, negativity steps in! I even wondered why did i put myself up for this? *so much for the grin wider than ear to ear eh? Yes, negativity hit me real bad. I was too hard on myself (aren't i always?). Eventually, all was well =)

Hmm, why do i always feel like going home in the begining of any camp? Haha. Same feeling dawned on me the very first day of our own Youth Fellowship camp! *perhaps, i can explain my behavior then, i felt extremely older at camp, seriously! :D

Alrighty, so back to Hong Kong! It wasn't all negativity i felt, but i was just trying to portray how an amazing experience could very well involve not-so-positive feelings. It all comes in a package eh? :)

I do not really know how to begin narrating my 18 amazing days in Hong Kong/Macao; i wouldn't want to bore you with a day by day narrative ;) Perhaps i'll just mention what's worth mentioning? (then again, everything is worth mentioning for it involves my Father :p) We'll see how i manage this! Haha. Let my recounting journey begin :)

On days when i felt like an anti social, i'd voluntarily plunged myself into a dinner table full of Hong Kongnese and begin my talking adventure :) *I constantly amaze myself, for my Father constantly reminds! While on nights when i felt garrulous; armed with MacB and a bag of chips, i'll march up to level 2! But, just before i made myself known, i'll sneak back down and join in a smaller gathering :) I wouldn't say one or the other days were better ones, as they produce very different effects on me! I'm glad for both kinds, in fact.

Ahh, maybe i should document my Facebook statuses :) For its spills of my beyond serious partiality for the lovely Hong Kong! Lol.

July 13th (Day 1) the first day in Hong Kong.
Elaine Tan is anticipating His awesomeness ;) Let the journey begin! *über anxious-excited =)

July 20th (Day 8) the day i left for Macao.
Elaine Tan loves Hong Kong muchness; except she's moving on to Macao tomorrow PM! ;) And now, is eager for His awesomeness in Macao. Wheeeee =)

July 27th (Day 15) the day i left Macao for Hong Kong again.
Elaine Tan; The (Hong Kong.nese) daughter! Her partiality towards Hong Kong still stands ;)

August 2nd (Day 3, back home)
Elaine Tan; If Hong Kong was a chemical, what i'm going through shall be known as withdrawal symptoms! Perhaps, what i need is another dose of Hong Kong? I miss that place and its people muchness :(

The lovely city that never fails to elate me :) A city that never sleeps, overflowing with seizure inducing flashy lights, huge pretty dogs strolling downtown, delicious 鱼圆 and the tasty 炒麵 :) I can't really think of anything i dislike about that city, except maybe for the hideous looking HK10 dollar note (reason being; it just doesn't match with the other bank notes! Why wasn't aesthetics taken into consideration lah?) and the lack of chili that actually taste like chili. :) I guess, i can live with the HK10 dollar note eh? *as if its a life and death issue, heh. As for the chili matter, maybe i'll bring along some chili seeds next time :p

Call me bias, i do not deny that fact! For i really do love Hong Kong =) With the amazingly wonderful people i met over there; ones i know i'll treasure for a long long time, what's there not to love about Hong Kong? How delightful :)

Feel better soon.