Cerebration; just when.

delta waves begin eluding me.
words fail to succinctly represent what's left.
sitting in the dark freaking out,
figuring why three times a charm?

you find comfort in solitude.
(if you do not even enjoy your own company to begin with; can you really blame others for not?)

Ahh, for such a day like this.

just a thought, :)

here's one for for the nerves. you'll be more than fine, i know so =)

With three puppies; come much emotional drama.

I lost plenty of sleep last night, i felt like i only took winks all through the night. Woke up to Bacon whimpering; carried him into the house, he didn't look anything like himself :'(

He was in pain. I didn't know where, but i tried to make him comfortable. It was so early in the morning, there wasn't much we could do. Whispered a couple of prayers, and just willed him to keep still. With my limited canine knowledge; i had to rely on human ones! The pain gateway theory, i figured canine may have similar pain pathways? I mean, no harm trying eh? I created some other sensations; had a much better idea where the pain was coming from.

Morning dawned; loaded him into the car and off we headed to Dr. Mohan's. Prognosis of Bacon; he fractured both his hind legs, the left hind more severely. :( Poor child, had to suffer the intense pain the whole night.

With the absence of abrasions, lacerations or any visible bones protruding out of Bacon, we concluded he was beaten intentionally with force. Here's to the artless brute, who brought upon physical pain to my child! I am watching you!
(i'm sure you'll be coming around, wanting to check out your doings, hey?)

Right this moment; i wished i had the eclectic mind of Veronica Mars. I would very much like to catch that uncultured ass for doing this to Bacon. You broke both his hind legs, you ass! (pardon my French, but neighbor i knew you did it consciously and without remorse!)

I am the cause of the sibling rivalry between Russell and Olive; i have come to accept the fact. Sunday morning; i must have looked like i went nuts trying to tear them apart. (ahh, another story, another time). But when i brought Bacon home from the vet, they seem to understand. No misbehaving, they just sat by him silently.

It was supposed to be nap when i rested my eyelids on Monday night, turned out to be a really long comatose nap. I should know better, i do not take naps after sunsets! I felt the need to catch up on lost time, but looks like i lost more time.

With three (three months old) puppies; come much drama and emotions. I still love them just as much, ♥

I have to go; plenty to do. Emails to compose, words to digest, and pain pathways to block. Till after the dreaded day, so long.

you really are doing this, aren't you? fair enough, i'll go.

Thoughts of a dreamer.

Even as a child; I imagine myself an older lady, seated by a lovely window pane facing the West. The beautiful rays streaming in. My dog slouched by the side, and is glowing with the perfect hue that is flowing through the room. I am reading a book, while sipping steaming tea. Pausing; as steam fog up my reading glass, i think back to the present.

Yes, i see my current life as past tense! With my imagination, i should have no problem persuading myself this is all make believe. But for a fact, i am living in a farm basking at my previous eventfully fulfilling life.

Perhaps, this is why i have a cottage by the farm dream i'd like to fulfill. Probably why, i am trying really hard for my life to mean something, something worth basking in.

You're probably thinking, she's such a freak by now huh?

Fun fact.
I love lists. to do lists. I have plenty. They come in different forms; physically tangible (read: post its), electronically written, but mostly mentally noted. There is even a list that reads; churn out a to do list soonish.

Here's one;
(the shorter version)

Start a book club! :)
(we'll read Austen, Picoult and the occasional Ahern)

Appreciate fermented grapes.
Learn everything there is to know about wine, ;) a wine cellar at the basement of my new home! Now, how lovely does that sound?

The American dream. I have dreams, plenty of them! Some, should be left where it belongs. as a dream.

Am experiencing slight Cognitive dissonance at the moment; please pardon my incoherent thoughts. Shall return when they are sorted out.

i wonder what goes on in that head of yours.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

In the midst of a sudden surge of mournfulness that has rested upon those who happened to receive one too many (sudden) death news.

Some questions are best left unanswered; who are we to attempt at these dead-ends, hey? They are meant for the esoteric, the One and Only. It'll be self-induced torture, these mind games. Encircling the torture, as the questions always lead you back to the original thought.

I entertain (more than) a couple of morbid thoughts. Brush it away, it comes right back at ya. Negativity. Pessimism. Not really in a mood to have a nice day right now. :(

(I shed a tear; but you deserve more. so much more.) I'm sorry; is all i can manage.

Be reminded; Be Still and know that I Am God. Was, and is to be.

Hosanna; in the highest.

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything i am for your kingdoms cause
As i go from nothing to eternity

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest
(Hosanna; by Brooke Fraser, Hillsong United)

The things i do;

(or would do)
for you ♥.

I'd go that extra mile just so i can catch a glimpse of you; even if its only for a split second. I do hope i'm as subtle as i think i am. :)

I'd probably agree to any favors you ask of me. Once upon a time, i was quite willing to let go of that dream i held so dearly. Successfully justifying my need to compartmentalized them into the it's just a dream segment; convinced myself it was just wishful thinking. I thought it wishful thinking, what was i even thinking?
(that's still a part of me, that needs working on. the wishful thinking part! Perhaps i really do have self-esteem issues. :S)

I'd mess up my circadian rhythm for you; and rely purely on the antioxidants of my freshly brewed green tea in the attempt to keep the lids open, just cause i felt the butterflies. I catch myself asking; Was it all worth it though?
"Not if you end up broken hearted, it is not." whispers a voice.
Nay, i didn't mean that at all! :) I know i have a Healer by my side, He'll take care of the broken hearted.
(point to note: i am not condoning the act of; go out and get my heart broken just cause i have healer by my side. Guard that precious gift from Him with your life, i'd say.)

The things i do even for my dearest puppies :)
i picked up canine poo; even hid the evidence of Russell's first kill.
just because i love them much ♥.

Make me fall in love with you, i just may lose myself again. Nay, that was just a thought. I should know better, hmm. do i really? we'll see about that ;)

Word of the wise; never say "i know how you feel" cause you don't! News flash people; you never will know how i feel. You only think you know, perhaps maybe understand a fragment of. Know that; a fragment, doesn't measure up at all.
I'm comfortable with silence, very much so. An encouraging nod, a genuine smile, a sincere hug goes a better way. *nods* Seriously, zip it before you wish you could force those words back into your mouth.

Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows its own bitterness,
and a stranger does not share its joy.

A final thought;
Hurry along. Go utter those magical words to those you care about.
Life is so much so a fleeting breath.
To you, whom i care so much about. 我爱你。
I am rendered speechless, overwhelmed by the one too many (sudden) deaths around me.
.. and i wonder, if i were to breathe my last. Would anyone miss my existence? Would my life reflect my Father's life? Would i bring glory to my Father? Will my dash be a significant one?

..don't you dare die on me. please don't, i plead with you. promise you'll take great care? loveyu!

The gifted ones.

This certainly is the most productive week i have had since Hong Kong/Macao (ilhkm'09). Apart from spending significantly less time watching reruns, dozing off, and lazing my day away; i am eating plenty and constantly holding boys down (i can explain myself, haha) :)

I have scars to prove my productive week! Haha. Boys are generally more active, hence my constantly holding boys down. Beanie and i can spend hours relating interesting observations. Each special one has a story to tell. In the next couple paragraphs; i shall dedicate a line or two for each special one who has left even the slightest impinge upon my life. Despite the very short time i had with them, they were a handful of memories :)
(having these many boys in my life, that's a first! ahh, there's no need for awkward hand holding scenarios, they are perfectly comfortable linking hands with me. Haha. :p)

The destructive one is such a cutie; a girl's gotta fall for a bad boy at least once in her life. The heart breaker kid, i call him. He aims for the flesh, and leaves you with a scar to remember him by (at least till he sees you next :p). A contagious laugh he has. With that face of his; how can i stay angry at him, even if he just activated my pain receptors and left me with a scar? =)

The one with pianist fingers; those long lanky fingers of his. Barely eats, and has a corner he calls his own. Stand by him, and he'll lace his fingers between yours. :) Talk to him, and receive a vibrant smile. (aww, it is heartwarming receiving such a genuine smile).

The extremely active one; constantly smiling-laughing and asking for hugs and lifts. Fortunately for me, he's relatively feather weight. :) Felicity. Full of energy. Keep him within sight, for he'll slip away for a bath if you're not watching.

The Taiwanese star lookalike; a much loyal fan of mine who calls me Chai Yi Ling. He's well versed with the entertainment industry, he'll have a movie star (or many stars) in mind just for you :) Apparently, he's not very consistent in his name giving except for calling me Chai Yi Ling since Monday. Hides his face whenever i look his way, seems he's shy in the midst of Yi Ling (what he calls me sometimes, haha). Ah, did i mention he wanted to marry me already? :D

Beanie's boyfriend; has a good looking face. It is no wonder, Beanie likes him! :) He knows things; it is beyond this human's (me) mind. It is amazing, the stuff he figures out. Stares at the clock, and knows exactly when his ride is to arrive. Beanie, just so you know; i approve of him :) Haha.

The basketball star in the making; excellent basketball skills. Appears passively shy, (maybe i seem too actively forward to him. this time, it's definitely my problem, haha). He'll survive great, i know so. Who wouldn't love a basketballer, eh? Haha.

(i am capable of writing a line or two for each and every child i came in contact with; but i shall stop here for the day. I wouldn't want to bore my few readers. this will be continued. my (10 month) journey begins!)

The innocence of a child is priceless! A constant reminder for the regular (boring) homosapians, like you and me; to take pleasure in the simple joys in life and be thankful for the little blessings we receive daily :) Watch them, and it'll make you yearn to pry open their heads, just to admire their unique brain function magnificently. Surely, they were wired up with equal (if not more) meticulousness by my Beyond Awesome Father. I cannot tell you how wonderfully they decipher the outside world. Perhaps, one day i may be able to obtain a slightly better idea? Do not for one second, underestimate their amazing capabilities. Some call it; sharp instincts. I call it; a gift from from the Father.

Ahh, a productive week it was for me indeed :)

I still need to get my ducks in a row, soonish. Time is really running short, i have now less than a month's time. I dread the 5th. :(

On a totally frivolous (and unrelated) note; i found la perfecto songs for my wedding. :) Who would have guessed? From the genius of an Italian composer! Coolness. :D
(When i told mami, she said to find a groom first. Lol.)

PS. The Ugly Truth finally made its way to the-small-town-mall; which so happen sits 'bout half-a-mile from my doorstep. *coolness.

you said you'll be there; perhaps you need to be there significantly. ahh, we'll see. as for now, dawn.

Once upon a time.

When i was quite abit younger; i remember being fully convinced the best and steadiest option headed towards happily ever after is non other than an arranged marriage. That was the plan. Hahaha! Laugh all you want, i was convicted alright :D. I had my reasons, you see. I thought (key word: i thought) wouldn't it be wonderful if i could skip through the whole enchilada; the dramatic release of phenylethylamine, dopamine, norepinephrine, and any other neurotransmitters triggered by the perception of falling in love, followed by the possibility of an arrhythmia whenever you see the other half, and then comes the probability of a broken heart. So, assisted by naivety and ignorance on this whole concept then, i thought the plan viable.
Great, now i sound like a cynical misanthrope who strongly rebukes the idea of love :p
(hey, a good argument always presents both sides of the story eh? :p).

Moment of realization: You find out, arranged marriage isn't the key. :( I've heard, the worst part about loving someone is seeing them love someone else. Unrequited love, eh? Powerful. Drives people insane at times; might even end up a nincompoop doing foolish gestures (and live to regret it, haha).
I sense i've been skeptical enough, time for some shiny and ever after thoughts :)

I love weddings. Really. Love it even more when my friends marry. :)
A very important man in my life told me this just the other day;
"Looking at where your life is headed for right now, you're probably not going to marry anytime soon"
(i don't have that many important man in my life, so i guess concealing his identity isn't crucial huh? go figure. Hahaha)

Fun fact:
Number 1
Did you know i wanted to get married at 21? LOL. :)
Number 2
I am in search for my Christian Jewish Italian chef with a cool last name! :)
A girl's gotta have her moment rite? In my case, a shallow idea of a dreamguy. Lol. Apparently my dreamguy is a 'lil too specific. What are the odds of me finding a Christian Jewish Italian chef lah? let alone with a cool last name. :)

Having said all these; clearly i had way more cynically skeptical thoughts than bright and shiny ones :P
I still am hopeful. I do look forward to the life after :) The wedding is nice (i hear the wedding preparations can freak you out a 'lil, haha), but the best is yet to come, isn't it?
Cheerio, to weddings! and here's another, to the life after :)
(can't wait for the two weddings of two important lovely ladies in my life! :D)

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants" (Mercer, 2005)
Mercer from the fame of "Wedding Date" (my background movie for the day)

Ahh, one last thought;
Happily Ever After; is so Once upon a time.

'nuff nonsense for the day; Pride and Prejudice with some tea and snickerdoodles anyone? :)

snickerdoodling (at first attempt) :)

all that's needed is hope, you say. keep breathing. soldier on. it'll come to you.