About a girl.

The past few days, i am reminded of a story i read a long time ago,

about a girl sobbing as she hugged her dad goodbye at the airport.

She was leaving for her studies, and knew she could not afford to come home to visit.

She knew the only time she'll be back, was going to be for her dad's funeral.

I do not know if my memory has tweaked the story fairly recently or that was how the story was originally presented to me.

Nonetheless.

I am the girl,

who did not even make it back for her dad's funeral.

whose tears and laughter now come habitually natural to her.

who reminds herself she's not only doing this for herself.

I am the girl, who still needs her father.

The daughter, whom God has assured at innumerable occasions.

You are not alone.

A promise made.

to wake up early for an experience with You, every tomorrow.

to attempt to learn the book of Psalms by heart,

(..not so sure how long that is going to take me but i'm making progress with Psalm 1,

I remember papi asking me to memorize this Psalm about 7 years ago or so - clearly that didn't stick, hah.

But based on Ebbinghaus' Methods of Savings, i should be able to save 33% of the time learning it the second time round. I love how Psychology is in everything!)

I yearn for wisdom and discernment.

I want Your glory to live and shine through me, daily.

I desire to make both my fathers proud, real proud of me.

Sincerely, i ask for Your help in achieving that.

I love that how both my fathers are in the same place right now, ♥

I miss spending real quality time with you both.

October already?

You experience fleeting moments,

You take a breath,

and move on to the next task at hand.

You realize how unstressful life as an undergraduate was.

Then again, i was never really stressed then to begin with.

Hah!

No room to be lazy (still working on this),

Procrastination is frown upon,

not to mention the immense pressure you impress upon yourself.

..sleep is now a luxury.

Ahh, such is life as a graduate student.

Yet, i'm loving every single fleeting moment of it! :)

Death.

What does it truly mean?

Cause it doesn't quite mean the same to me than it does to the world.

I may not be back home right now, but i still feel your presence at home.

At the randomest moment, it hits me hard.

I'll say to myself; Wait a minute! Where is daddy now?

I have to mentally remind myself what it means. What death means.

I may not be able to see you physically ever again,

but you'll always live through me.

I constantly think of ways i'll be introducing my children to the amazing grandpa they didn't get the opportunity to love.

Please don't fade away, papi-memories. I plead with you. :'(

It hurts.

Why haven't you visited me in my dreams yet?

I want to hug you and say goodbye so badly.

You know how i feel about saying goodbyes, yet i feel i should this time since i'm not sure when will i get to see you again.

Maybe cause i haven't been sleeping much lately. Is that why you haven't drop by yet?

Maybe you have, but i just can't remember.

Why can't i remember? :(

I miss you so much, it hurts bad.

This week was overwhelming, partly cause Monday was one month since.

:'(

Day22.

I wanted a two bedroom apartment, so i'll have space when y'all come visit.

I made my bed up pretty, cause i knew you'd have the bed when you come visit.

I am saving to get a big car, so you'd have more leg room on our road trips.

I should have asked you all the questions i didn't know i wanted to ask.

These questions keep popping up in my mind.

How do i make them go away before they remind me you're no longer in the present? :(

I wish i had been more interested in learning how to cook.

I wish i had thanked you enough for everything you've done.

I wish i hadn't disappointed you as much as i did.

I wish i had told you how much i love you, more frequently.

and I certainly hope i did all i could, to be a good daughter.

On your birthday this year i told you;

Next year this time, we're going on a road trip!

It's going to be destination birthday from next year forth :)

Looks like you have gone ahead and reached your next destination. A final one, in fact.

I bet you're going to tell me - I've scored the coolest destination ever.

PS. It's that day, again. :'(

Please don't.

There is a season to mourn.

The bible says so.

I'm hurting, really badly.

So quit telling me to rejoice in the death of my father.

I do know very well that i'm going to see my dad eventually.

But know that eventually and actually is a whole different semantic.

I'm only 25, who knows how long actually is going to take?

He was my dad. My precious father.

I do not expect anyone to understand what i'm going through.

When this happens, you join an exclusive club.

Where only those who have lost a parent knows it exist,

and everyone else is just on the other side of the invisible barrier.

Please don't say you understand.

Please don't say its going to get better.

Please don't ask me to rejoice in this.

Just please don't say.

Not now.

I have found joy and hope in the midst of all these sorrow.

But please let me do this at my own pace.