It hurts.

Why haven't you visited me in my dreams yet?

I want to hug you and say goodbye so badly.

You know how i feel about saying goodbyes, yet i feel i should this time since i'm not sure when will i get to see you again.

Maybe cause i haven't been sleeping much lately. Is that why you haven't drop by yet?

Maybe you have, but i just can't remember.

Why can't i remember? :(

I miss you so much, it hurts bad.

This week was overwhelming, partly cause Monday was one month since.

:'(

Day22.

I wanted a two bedroom apartment, so i'll have space when y'all come visit.

I made my bed up pretty, cause i knew you'd have the bed when you come visit.

I am saving to get a big car, so you'd have more leg room on our road trips.

I should have asked you all the questions i didn't know i wanted to ask.

These questions keep popping up in my mind.

How do i make them go away before they remind me you're no longer in the present? :(

I wish i had been more interested in learning how to cook.

I wish i had thanked you enough for everything you've done.

I wish i hadn't disappointed you as much as i did.

I wish i had told you how much i love you, more frequently.

and I certainly hope i did all i could, to be a good daughter.

On your birthday this year i told you;

Next year this time, we're going on a road trip!

It's going to be destination birthday from next year forth :)

Looks like you have gone ahead and reached your next destination. A final one, in fact.

I bet you're going to tell me - I've scored the coolest destination ever.

PS. It's that day, again. :'(

Please don't.

There is a season to mourn.

The bible says so.

I'm hurting, really badly.

So quit telling me to rejoice in the death of my father.

I do know very well that i'm going to see my dad eventually.

But know that eventually and actually is a whole different semantic.

I'm only 25, who knows how long actually is going to take?

He was my dad. My precious father.

I do not expect anyone to understand what i'm going through.

When this happens, you join an exclusive club.

Where only those who have lost a parent knows it exist,

and everyone else is just on the other side of the invisible barrier.

Please don't say you understand.

Please don't say its going to get better.

Please don't ask me to rejoice in this.

Just please don't say.

Not now.

I have found joy and hope in the midst of all these sorrow.

But please let me do this at my own pace.

Fridays.

I used to adore them. What's not to love about Fridays, ey?

Now, they just remind me of the day i lost my favorite man on this earth.

I go about each day wondering what would his Word of the Wise be for today?

I ask myself, What would papi say about this? Would he be proud of what i was doing?

I was his eldest daughter, his personal psychologist, his fellow TV addict, among many other roles.

He was my earthly guardian, my hero, my source of advice, my father who would do just about anything for his family, and plenty more.

Ever since i flew approximately 10,000 miles away from home, i was afraid i would never have another opportunity to have an actual conversation with him anymore. :(

(Don't get me wrong, i did believe in healing. But unfortunately, i am mere human.)

He started pulling away from the world. He started talking less frequently. I bet even stopped watching TV.

I will always remember how tough it was for him to watch me fade away 2 years ago. Clearly, when one in the family is hurting - the rest naturally follow closely behind with the same burden of hurt.

It was (and still) is beyond painful, yet i have to be strong and brave. I need to be one less of a worry for mom. She didn't need to be worrying about me, she already had her hands full back home.

I miss him, so badly. I miss my father. Call me selfish, but i would like to have my father for longer than 25 years. Yet, I still thank God for providing me with an amazing family. I love you Mom, Cia and Beanie so much ♥.

PS. Now, what was the five steps of acceptance again? Sometimes i wonder if i'm barely past the first. denial.

It's one week today.

I know God will never give me more than I can handle, but I really wish He didn't trust me so much sometimes!

- Mother Teresa

I will survive this, I know i will.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Says He.

Psalms 46:10

I miss you.

You are amazing.

You are my hero, ♥

always was and always will be.

I love you, so very much.

I'll see you again soon, on the other side.

Thank you.

for fighting the battle.

and for holding on,

as long as you could.

I know He is saying to you, right now.

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"

(Matthew 25:21)

I'll see you on the other side.