The love of The Father.

Russell is scheduled for surgery in the morning.
An ovariohysterectomy, and i miss her already.
She has to stay the night at the clinic.
(i have to go through this process again with Bacon and Olive, i wonder if it's ever going to be easier)

Since mom spoke to the veterinarian i assumed she knew,
i bothered her with questions about the procedure,
till the point she suggested i check in with Russell.

If they had allowed human companions for the surgery and the stay overnight,
i would have.

It hurts to know she will be in pain,
and she will assume i abandoned her there. :(

As the heart aches over the arrangement,
where there were no other way around this than to wait till morning,
when i can bring Russell home.

I experienced an extremely quasi analogousness,
to the significance of today.

Today,
signifies the deed on the cross.
How much the Father loved us,
that He gave His only begotten son.
To take upon the sins of the world,
and be separated for that instant.

The hurt must have been beyond unbearable.
For there is no greater love than His love for us.
No words expressive enough to thank you,
for loving me, above all else.

I love you Father, most sincerely.

Desperate, much.

Just last weekend, we visited dad and mom's pastor from about 30 years ago! He is such a wonderful person, an exceptionally hilarious pastor. Makes me wonder how much excitement they must have had while growing up in church in their time. :)

Pastor John said many things, things that made me laugh so hard i realized what i took for granted.

One thing he said that stuck to me ever since, was this.

You must be desperate enough to ask for in prayer.

On frequent occasions, I am inclined to just whisper a prayer and see how things go.
See how things turn out.
Even by typing that out, i am embarrassed at my lack of faith.

Just sitting around waiting for things to fall into place isn't the way to go.
desperation however, brings about movement.
a whole different level of putting all your heart in prayer.

I urge you, to be desperate.
Desperate enough to yearn for perpetual experience of His greatness.

Forget anxiety,
all that does is overwhelm you and shadow the surreal excitement you're supposed to be feeling.

As the sense of surrealism sets in, i learn to trust Him entirely. I have after all, come this far haven't i? :)

Every single day feels like an adventure with Him. Embrace it, Live it, Be proud of it.

PS. April is going to be a fabulous month, i know so.

The divine will.

If God willing, I'll be able to (insert verb) end of this year.
Have you ever been guilty of muttering these three words, in vain?
Well, i certainly have.
(allow me to explain my side of the argument)

As a Christian; a socially desirable phrase to include alongside your dream would be,
If it is (was) in God's will...

Often times, we end up using that as a defense mechanism against that unfulfilled dream of ours.
The dream we (sort of) knew we were hanging onto for our very own selfish ambitions, for the wants of a glamorous life in a fancy city, the longing of getting out of this rut hole we've been residing in long enough.
The truth hurts, so we lie (to ourselves).
Whatever your reasons may be, ultimately we're the ones getting hurt. And then, the whole justifying process begins.

So pick yourself up.

Truly mean those three words.

Evidently,
My Father's will trumps mine.
for His is the divine will.

Struggling to do something with my nothing.

Cia called me a glutton when i crashed with her last week,
i don't blame her as i knew i ate much more than i always do.
That was definitely, me stress eating.

Running away is neither an option nor wise,
Sooner or later you'll have to face it.
I've got mail, and its wasn't bright and shiny :(
I find it hard to fall asleep at night.
Knowing tomorrow brings me closer to the answer.

Maybe it's time i find a new ambition?
Hmm, i dunno, maybe like a surgeon or someone the likes of my favorite television drama i love immersing myself in. Doesn't really sound like a bad idea now does it? ;)
Heh. Talk about a delusional mind. The Grey's marathon has begun again.

I sit down and count the number of close friends i have.
People i truly am able to talk and share with.
Like minded friends, i refer to them as.
People i sincerely treasure,
and would like to hold on to for this lifetime.

She tore out a page of her Daily Bread after i said i liked it.
It reads; Do Something with Nothing.
It has never been this difficult trying to do something, anything.
This is the dreadful part, the part where uncertainty hits me the hardest.

I can hardly wait for the time in my life where i'll look back and smile,
yet i need to earnestly treasure this season for it came with a Higher purpose.

I barely know what to pray for anymore.
I try to channel this energy back to Him, but it isn't easy.
Knowing there's a chance i never wanted to let it go in the first place.

All that matters now is, who's with you on this journey. And as long as we have Him, we're going to be more than just fine. A dear friend reminded me.

Maybe i'll start by, setting up a trust fund for the kids :)

Philippi.

Philippians 4
says;

6Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your request to God.

I was reminded just hours ago of this verse, by Brian Tang :)

Perhaps, all that is needed for the answers to arrive at my mailbox is to not be anxious.

Somehow, it feels like He's grooming me for the moment of truth.
and i'll give anything, to truly say; I'm ready. Lay it on me, Father.

Pray. That i do, fervently.

Elaine Tan is,

Obsessed.
Freaking out.
Losing it.
Overwhelmed.
but still clinging onto that glimmer of hope.

In search of the fast forward button.

Oh wait, it doesn't exist now does it? Hm.

In need to get away for a bit, for the sake of my sanity.

:(

perhaps, i need vous to be around.

A whole bundle of them.

A week worth of nerves.

..is definitely taking a toll on my mental health. :( Waking up at 2am, and not being able to fall back to sleep is insanely frustrating! Nerves, they come barging into my daily life, and now mess with my circadian rhythm? I can't seem to rid off them nerves.

I awake at a couple intervals throughout the night, all fidgety and restless. Anxious for answers that are due to arrive in my mailbox. This year however, i do not have the luxury of refreshing my mailbox every other minute. Thank goodness for that, i am less obsessed with empty mailboxes this year. Still, tension builds as i am not being able to stare at my empty virtual mailbox part willing for an answer, part hoping i get to live in this make believe world a little while longer. :(

I do not know what is coming my way, not even the slightest hint. :( It isn't easy, not knowing. I seek however, for the Grace to accept whatever answers that are coming my way! :) I sincerely want that for myself. Amazingly, i did just that a week ago =) I continue to hold fast onto His promises, and strength through this season.

You have no idea, how many times i wished for a fast-forward button. I wished i didn't have to go through yet another nerve wreaking season. :(

The calmness before the storm, hey?
Father, grant me the serenity and grace needed for this time of my life.

I am reminded of;

Psalms 127
1Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders build in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat,
for He grants sleep to those He loves.

i miss vous, much.