Mom.

If my heart is hurting;

i cannot even begin to imagine yours.

If i am willing to go home soon just to see him again,

you probably wouldn't mind now.

If i find myself catching my breath,

I wonder how you even breathe.

You're the strongest woman I have ever had the privilege to love.

You have taught me so much i owe you more than i could ever offer.

If i miss him this much on this day,

your heart must be breaking.

I love you so much words can never truly express.

and i know with absolute certainty, so did he.

I cannot wait to spend time with you, so very soon.

♥ David's angel.

Six months.

How did we survive six months without you?

Where did all that strength come from, i sit down and wonder.

Definitely not our own, i know for sure.

Take us through many more six months, Father.

Burden lifted.

I woke up this morning thinking it was just going to be another regular day.

Never did i imagine this day would ever happen (in my lifetime), let alone it being today.

Such liberation, i felt today.

It was an amazing day :D Truly.

I thank God for sending marvelous people and placing them strategically around me.

For moms who would give me a timely well-deserved bout of scolding.

For precious ones who would say "I told you so" right to my face.

For wonderful colleagues who wouldn't let me make the same mistakes as they did.

Mississippi is indeed where i was placed for a purpose.

Strength.

..i'm not sure if i still have the strength to hope with you.

because it feels like papi all over again.

The heart is heavy, so are the words.

Forming syllabus and attempting to string them into a prayer, feels so mechanical.

I honestly do not know how else to pray but cry out to You.

This is all i have left to offer,

..my sincerest tears from a broken heart.

Yet another gloomy Friday.

"This may be the last Chinese New Year i'm celebrating at home for a long long time", I remember telling you.

Who would have thought it was also your last? Except yours lasts (earth time) forever.

I catch my breath each time i think back to a memory with you - i wonder what would be different if i knew what was to be in (insert months) time? I calculate how much time i had left from when that memory was formed. I hate myself for not knowing, but at the same time how could i have?

I woke up at 5AM this morning with part of the dream of you still fresh in my mind - :) :(

I jotted down notes on my phone, so it wouldn't fade away.

We were at this cottage house at some part of the world and it felt like we were in a movie itself - i didn't understand.

This part was vivid, you left a note on a mini piano musical box - it was clearly your cursive handwriting.

The note said;

For my girl,

When you find yourself in this house and reading this note - it means that someone has asked me for your hand in marriage.

I asked, why are you spoiling the surprise?

You answered, its okay.

(because i know how much i want you to be at my wedding walking me down the aisle)

I forgot to tell you how much i miss and love you.

A play of one.

You wake up one morning;

to find the perfect little happy bubble you live in is now leaking.

You peer out that tiny hole;

only to find a world new world foreign to you.

How oblivious can one be?

The world revolves around the sun,

..most certainly not you.

So much pain,

So much truth hidden behind make.believe happiness.

They are many,

you are one.

It is definitely easier,

to retreat back to the (leaking) bubble and your play of one.

Oswald Chambers said;

"Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete, and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ said - pray for a the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea. - O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me."

Oh Father,

Help me serve others,

with a joyful heart no less than willing.

Journey with me,

as i launch out and care less about me.

Teach me patience,

to love the many.

This time, i knew.

I just wrote a two page narrating the dream of you. Yet, i'm still afraid its going to fade away any second.

This time, it was clearly you. I was sitting on your lap, all i did was hug you tight. I asked you questions, morbid ones as we both seemed to know. I knew you were going away again, just wasn't sure when. You looked at peace, and were still giving me your words of wisdom on death.

..I even asked you if you were excited to go home (i told you it was morbid). I asked if you could smile down on us from time to time, but it was a negatory - i wonder why, i'll find out for myself soon enough.

I couldn't remember if i said I Love You enough (or at all) while hugging you. I really wish i did. Even in my dreams, i was so afraid of the time you were going home ..again. It wasn't you this time, it was me. Waking up took you back home again.

It was Cia's 24th yesterday, and it felt like such a different day. Our first birthdays without you are coming up. Maybe that's what's making me all jittery.

I love you so much daddy.