Strength.

..i'm not sure if i still have the strength to hope with you.

because it feels like papi all over again.

The heart is heavy, so are the words.

Forming syllabus and attempting to string them into a prayer, feels so mechanical.

I honestly do not know how else to pray but cry out to You.

This is all i have left to offer,

..my sincerest tears from a broken heart.

Yet another gloomy Friday.

"This may be the last Chinese New Year i'm celebrating at home for a long long time", I remember telling you.

Who would have thought it was also your last? Except yours lasts (earth time) forever.

I catch my breath each time i think back to a memory with you - i wonder what would be different if i knew what was to be in (insert months) time? I calculate how much time i had left from when that memory was formed. I hate myself for not knowing, but at the same time how could i have?

I woke up at 5AM this morning with part of the dream of you still fresh in my mind - :) :(

I jotted down notes on my phone, so it wouldn't fade away.

We were at this cottage house at some part of the world and it felt like we were in a movie itself - i didn't understand.

This part was vivid, you left a note on a mini piano musical box - it was clearly your cursive handwriting.

The note said;

For my girl,

When you find yourself in this house and reading this note - it means that someone has asked me for your hand in marriage.

I asked, why are you spoiling the surprise?

You answered, its okay.

(because i know how much i want you to be at my wedding walking me down the aisle)

I forgot to tell you how much i miss and love you.

A play of one.

You wake up one morning;

to find the perfect little happy bubble you live in is now leaking.

You peer out that tiny hole;

only to find a world new world foreign to you.

How oblivious can one be?

The world revolves around the sun,

..most certainly not you.

So much pain,

So much truth hidden behind make.believe happiness.

They are many,

you are one.

It is definitely easier,

to retreat back to the (leaking) bubble and your play of one.

Oswald Chambers said;

"Launch out in reckless belief that the Redemption is complete, and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ said - pray for a the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea. - O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me."

Oh Father,

Help me serve others,

with a joyful heart no less than willing.

Journey with me,

as i launch out and care less about me.

Teach me patience,

to love the many.

This time, i knew.

I just wrote a two page narrating the dream of you. Yet, i'm still afraid its going to fade away any second.

This time, it was clearly you. I was sitting on your lap, all i did was hug you tight. I asked you questions, morbid ones as we both seemed to know. I knew you were going away again, just wasn't sure when. You looked at peace, and were still giving me your words of wisdom on death.

..I even asked you if you were excited to go home (i told you it was morbid). I asked if you could smile down on us from time to time, but it was a negatory - i wonder why, i'll find out for myself soon enough.

I couldn't remember if i said I Love You enough (or at all) while hugging you. I really wish i did. Even in my dreams, i was so afraid of the time you were going home ..again. It wasn't you this time, it was me. Waking up took you back home again.

It was Cia's 24th yesterday, and it felt like such a different day. Our first birthdays without you are coming up. Maybe that's what's making me all jittery.

I love you so much daddy.

Snowed in, :)

I don't hate you but i wish you didn't have to come by so often, Mondays.

I did what Calvin would do, build a (single) mini snowman army :D

It was such a beautiful sight to wake up to this morning!

You constantly amaze me.

Today, is the day i decide to learn to love You so much once again.

..Show me how to love like You have loved me.

And for the 29th time, Blessed Birthday favorite one ♥

I pray that you continue to grow into a man after God's own heart!

Remember, Psalm 55:22.

Cast your burden on the LORD,

and He shall sustain you;

He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

PS. When you find yourself listening to this over and over again, you know you're missing home more than quite abit!

A hole, too hard to fill.

I way more than love you,

it breaks my heart.

:'(

I'm going to have to learn to keep breathing with a hole in my heart.

Ready, or not.

Spring is here.

and I'll have to brace myself and survive it.

It's about an equal mixture of nervousness and excitement.

I do look forward to an amazing Spring semester and to end my first year with a glorious note :D

Also, knowing that students truly enjoyed your lecture and you being their TA,

never fails to brighten your day.

To many more bright&shiny days, cheerio!

Note to self: Do stay sane, Oh and do try to eliminate procrastination. *wink.

get.your.ducks.in.a.row.pronto!