Glad tidings,

i bring to you.

Once again, we're at the magical month of December :)

In my strangely finite mind, December is closely placed alongside ..White snowy Christmas spent with family/closed ones while sipping peppermint hot chocolate (source: my tv addiction)

In reality, 'tis the season when i'll miss home the most.

They say, the first year is going to be the toughest.

..their first wedding anniversary, our first Christmas, our first new years, our first birthdays, his first birthday, his first anniversary, among many more first ..without him.

I've been pondering quite abit lately, :( I still can't quite comprehend this. I don't understand and i don't think i ever will. :'( How did that one month do so much more harm to my heart than my past 25 years did to me? How can you be there for my first 25 and not my next 25? ..How do you tell your heart its okay and everything is going to be fine?

PS. Its the thirteen once again.

Dearest papi,

I survived my first semester as a Graduate student. You'll be proud to know that i did exceedingly well :) One down and only nine more amazing semesters to go!

In my heart, you'll always be journeying alongside me.

Oh, how do i even begin with how much i miss and love you? :'(

Know that i am ever so proud of you.

All my love,

Laine

When i grow up,

I'm going to be an amazing surgeon.

but, i've recently began to realize that i'm not exactly heading down the appropriate path to achieve that dream.

So Cia, i choose to live vicariously through you.

I am constantly thankful for this awesome family He has provided me with.

I'm extremely proud to be part of this particular Tan clan, :)

Love each and every one of you so very much.

I dreamt of you.

It was only for a split second but i knew it was you.

You told me, take good care of yourself darling girl.

I replied, you know that i love you very much right?

You were waiting for me to go print something at my apartment

..and right before i turned away, you said I'll wait for you right here.

About a girl.

The past few days, i am reminded of a story i read a long time ago,

about a girl sobbing as she hugged her dad goodbye at the airport.

She was leaving for her studies, and knew she could not afford to come home to visit.

She knew the only time she'll be back, was going to be for her dad's funeral.

I do not know if my memory has tweaked the story fairly recently or that was how the story was originally presented to me.

Nonetheless.

I am the girl,

who did not even make it back for her dad's funeral.

whose tears and laughter now come habitually natural to her.

who reminds herself she's not only doing this for herself.

I am the girl, who still needs her father.

The daughter, whom God has assured at innumerable occasions.

You are not alone.

A promise made.

to wake up early for an experience with You, every tomorrow.

to attempt to learn the book of Psalms by heart,

(..not so sure how long that is going to take me but i'm making progress with Psalm 1,

I remember papi asking me to memorize this Psalm about 7 years ago or so - clearly that didn't stick, hah.

But based on Ebbinghaus' Methods of Savings, i should be able to save 33% of the time learning it the second time round. I love how Psychology is in everything!)

I yearn for wisdom and discernment.

I want Your glory to live and shine through me, daily.

I desire to make both my fathers proud, real proud of me.

Sincerely, i ask for Your help in achieving that.

I love that how both my fathers are in the same place right now, ♥

I miss spending real quality time with you both.

October already?

You experience fleeting moments,

You take a breath,

and move on to the next task at hand.

You realize how unstressful life as an undergraduate was.

Then again, i was never really stressed then to begin with.

Hah!

No room to be lazy (still working on this),

Procrastination is frown upon,

not to mention the immense pressure you impress upon yourself.

..sleep is now a luxury.

Ahh, such is life as a graduate student.

Yet, i'm loving every single fleeting moment of it! :)

Death.

What does it truly mean?

Cause it doesn't quite mean the same to me than it does to the world.

I may not be back home right now, but i still feel your presence at home.

At the randomest moment, it hits me hard.

I'll say to myself; Wait a minute! Where is daddy now?

I have to mentally remind myself what it means. What death means.

I may not be able to see you physically ever again,

but you'll always live through me.

I constantly think of ways i'll be introducing my children to the amazing grandpa they didn't get the opportunity to love.

Please don't fade away, papi-memories. I plead with you. :'(